Where to even start! I am the worst blogger ever but hoping to get some things out this way. I am scared. Like the real uncomfortable fear. Now, I know better than this. I have faith. God has indeed proven Himself time and time again. I am feeling positive on the outside and negative on the inside. This has been one heck of a crazy Spring, with lots of surprises thrown at me. I am not big on change or not so good surprises.
I didn't think I had control issues until recently. I don't think its on purpose, but I get intense anxiety when things do not go my way. Because I am more comfortable with things planned. Well, this season has not been one with many planned things on my agenda. Between last Fall and now, 2 of my very very close loved ones have experienced intense medical issues. My mom was critically ill last Sept and honestly, I assumed it was the end. I drove from Atlanta to Central Fl at 11pm with LynnMarie and it was so quiet. Lots of time to think. This is not always a good thing. Rough few hours. My brain went through every emotion possible. Now, we are facing a BIG surgery for my Michael with many weeks of recovery afterwards. So where do I go from here?
I have come realize I need to change my perspective on things. I have many friends who are experiencing seriously unwelcome life events and doing it with JOY and gracefulness. Oh how I wish I could do that, but I do know this God is good ALL the time. I truly can handle anything even if I don't think I can. We do not have plans for Michael at this time, but he was ok'd to take our vacation the end of May. I am thankful he will get to experience family, rest and relaxation. This is a huge blessing.
So stay with me, here is a random thought that you may or may not understand. Wednesday, Michael had a procedure at Northside Hospital (AKA the baby factory). Great, big hospital and we had to be there at 630am. From the moment we got near the hospital, we saw signs that said Womens Center, Labor and Delivery, Parking for Labor and Delivery, Baby Care, pick up, etc. Now for someone who went through infertility for several years, it seemed so awkward and uncomfortable seeing all of this. I would have walked 5 miles around the perimeter of the hospital than through the womens area. We finally find our parking and head in. We see family centered care, high risk women issues, nursery signs. How hard would it have been to have parked and walked in the main entrance? UGH. So we find our location and 3 hours later I am sent to get the car which means passing everything again except in the sunlight and everybody is there. So annoying and I just kept thinking GET ME OUT OF HERE..... and then it hit me
Over 10 years ago, we desired a baby and realized it would be hard. All I wanted to do was to be a mom and nurse. That's all. The idea of not being a mom, scared me. REALLY SCARED me. But guess what? Back then, I should have known God had my back. I could not see the whole picture but He had every step planned. He took this fears and gave us our LynnMarie. As I walked along Northside baby area, I realized he can take the fear I have now and make it beautiful. He has done it before. So yes there is still fear there, fear for the future, fear for my hubby but I am quickly reminded that God uses fear, being uncomfortable and uses it to chisel us into who He created us to be.