Creepy Fear

Praying that fear leaves me alone. Its not from God, and I just don't like the feeling at all. Since last September, when yucky things started to happen to my amazing mom, I automatically thought the worse and I did not like it one bit. Mom got very sick last year and God and I had lots and lots of talks. Good talks, scary talks, but talks that I needed to have. Such a sweet time, one that I will remember but goodness, I know that I shouldn't fear the way I do. When I was 14, I chose my life verse and it was

2 Timothy 1:7

⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Yet I still feared.BIG TIME. One of my weaknesses is that its very hard to share the hard stuff with people. I hate that. So I didn't let people know that fear was causing my anxiety to control all of my life which stole my joy.

So,that stinky fear is creeping in again and its affecting a lot of my life as well. So, just to clue you in, if I am short with you, acting funny, its not because I am crazy, I am beginning to feel fear again but claiming it goes away and peace fills our family. So if you could please please pray for this, I would greatly appreciate it. Too much going on right now and apparently I cant control everything anymore. HAHA. I apparently have issues.

So, I am back to blogging hoping it will help like before. I feel like if I fill my heart with fear. I am going to miss all the big things my God has in store and I surely do not want to miss that.  

That's it. My undiagnosed ADD is kicking in and I am working on 3 books that I need to go work on. Thankful for my new Bible Study this year as I am surrounded by amazing women that I have known for a decade and getting to study Mark with them. WooHOO!!

Amy C

Fear

Where to even start! I am the worst blogger ever but hoping to get some things out this way. I am scared. Like the real uncomfortable fear. Now, I know better than this. I have faith. God has indeed proven Himself time and time again. I am feeling positive on the outside and negative on the inside. This has been one heck of a crazy Spring, with lots of surprises thrown at me. I am not big on change or not so good surprises.

I didn't think I had control issues until recently. I don't think its on purpose, but I get intense anxiety when things do not go my way. Because I am more comfortable with things planned. Well, this season has not been one with many planned things on my agenda. Between last Fall and now, 2 of my very very close loved ones have experienced intense medical issues. My mom was critically ill last Sept and honestly, I assumed it was the end. I drove from Atlanta to Central Fl at 11pm with LynnMarie and it was so quiet. Lots of time to think. This is not always  a good thing. Rough few hours. My brain went through every emotion possible.  Now, we are facing a BIG surgery for my Michael with many weeks of recovery afterwards. So where do I go from here?
I have come realize I need to change my perspective on things. I have  many friends who are experiencing seriously unwelcome life events and doing it with JOY and gracefulness. Oh how I wish I could do that, but I do know this God is good ALL the time. I truly can handle anything even if I don't think I can. We do not have plans for Michael at this time, but he was ok'd to take our vacation the end of May. I am thankful he will get to experience family, rest and relaxation. This is a huge blessing.

So stay with me, here is a random thought that you may or may not understand. Wednesday, Michael had a procedure at Northside Hospital (AKA the baby factory). Great, big hospital and we had to be there at 630am. From the moment we got near the hospital, we saw signs that said Womens Center, Labor and Delivery, Parking for Labor and Delivery, Baby Care, pick up, etc. Now for someone who went through infertility for several years, it seemed so awkward and uncomfortable seeing all of this. I would have walked 5 miles around the perimeter of the hospital than through the womens area. We finally find our parking and head in. We see family centered care, high risk women issues, nursery signs. How hard would it have been to have parked and walked in the main entrance? UGH. So we find our location and 3 hours later I am sent to get the car which means passing everything again except in the sunlight and everybody is there. So annoying and I just kept thinking GET ME OUT OF HERE..... and then it hit me
Over 10 years ago, we desired a baby and realized it would be hard. All I wanted to do was to be a mom and nurse. That's all. The idea of not being a mom, scared me. REALLY SCARED me. But guess what? Back then, I should have known God had my back. I could not see the whole picture but He had every step planned. He took this fears and gave us our LynnMarie. As I walked along Northside baby area, I realized he can take the fear I have now and make it  beautiful. He has done it before. So yes there is still fear there, fear for the future, fear for my hubby but I am quickly reminded that God uses fear, being uncomfortable and uses it to chisel us into who He created us to be.

NIght shift thinking

What to write when you don't know what to write. I tend to live in fear. PLease believe, I know thats wrong. Im just waiting for the bad stuff. But I also know that sometimes those "bad" things are what draw me to God and who doesn't want that? That scares me to. The process scare me.I am so comfortable in the life that I have that change scares me. If you can absolutely guarantee it will be a great change, I will think about it but I tend to avoid change at all cost. I sure do hate that. I have missed out on some amazing things because of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7New Life Version (NLV) 7 For God did not give us a spirit of fear. He gave us a spirit of power and of love and of a good mind. INteresting enough, I chose that as my life verse way back in youth group and boy has it been in my head lately. I fear struggling. I fear the struggle is going to win all the time. I hate losing control over things. The little control that I do have makes me comfortable in many situations. There are so many things I want to do, but fear the challenge. I hate failing. I hate the feeling that you know you are going to fear. You know tha moment you are waiting for that flu shot? I hate that. Thats the feeling I have so many times. What I dont want is my daughter to follow this. I want her to be excited about new things, to jump at new adventures. So thats where I am at. I have friends going through things that I consider a nightmare, yet they survive with amazing grace and thankfulness. I have friends fighting a hard fight making a difference around the world. Why? Because they are difference makers and are ready BIG challenges!!!! Still wondering why I can't seem to do it. I have told y'all I have many random thoughts going through my head, these are just a few of whats going on now. I just have a feeling things are about to change...

Days of Being Thankful

11. A sweet friend who has encouraged and prayed for me and hundreds if not thousands over the years, and getting ready to FIGHT HARD. Thankful for her friendship, prayers, authenticity, advice and faithfulness.
12. My sweet girls questions about Martin Luther King Jr. Hard questions but love that she wants everyone to love and to love back. Doesn't understand why people would ever treat people with discrimination.
13. Cold Weather- sorry peeps, I love the cold weather.
14. Simple meals like ravioli or baked potato
15. The reminders about the destruction of gossip in my Bible study app this week.
16. A sister who is just awesome. She struggles like a lot of people, but stays joyful and full of love
17. My amazing niece who has started learning to drive.
18. Meeting adoptive families at work!!
19. 20 days free of soda and candy
20. Touch Math- a way LynnMarie has started learning addition and subtracting

2016 thankful list

This list is in no way any type of order but just a reminder to be thankful for the  good, the bad, the big and the little things in life.

1) The basics and this is more than sooo many in the world. I have a job, a home, transportation, money for food and other things. So blessed
2) Children's HealthCare of Atlanta- Not to mention being my employer for the past 14.5 years. they have taken care of LynnMarie and many of her friends. Very blessed to still take care of little people.
3)Reality tv- not a joke. Love shows that don't make me think and a few shows make me want to be a better person.
4) My sweet girls determination. Watcher her try over and
over to climb a rope at a jumpy place. She did not give up. She got off, waited for the next person to go and then  tried again. Such a sweet feeling when she finally got off.
5) My sister- always inspires me with her attitude, focus, motivation and ability to multi-task. Everyone needs a Kelly in their lives
6)God's word- so much stuff in their that is still current. I've loved getting back in
7)Friends who share their suffering- I know it must be uncomfortable, but it such an encouragement to see what God does during that time.
8) Friends who choose to see past sarcasm
9)the ability to love and give- hope to actually do that more this year
10) Our military and police officers- I surely can not fathom choosing to protect our country, our cities, knowing you are risking your life every single day but I am so thankful for these men and women and their families.

What will be in 2016?

Or what will I bring to 2016? Lots of room for improvement so that's a good thing. Desiring to live, love and give better this year and to show patience and unconditional love to many. My  word for the year will be INTENTIONAL. Intentional living, giving, and loving.

Other resolutions or goals or improvement projects
1) NO coke zero or soda- (exception on our cruise in May)
2) Spend more time in the word other than doing homework for my Bible Study
3) Going to quit waiting for others to work on building friendships and start asking my self. I sure have wasted a lot of time keeping people away.
4) Give weekly and monthly. We are going to give to the church, purchase something each week for the MUST ministry emergency list each week and find a place to volunteer together, like a nursing home monthly.
5) Quit using other people as an excuse and just eat better and exercise more.
6) See my family more. Not just my mom and dad and sister, but my extended family as well.

This is where I am starting. Too tired to post everything I want to and it wouldn't make sense anyway. I wish everyone a wonderful New Year and get those goals going.

Back to blogging

Oh have I missed blogging, finally had our laptop fixed a year later!!! I love blogging for so many reasons. The biggest reason is that most of the time, the words in my heart and brain do not match what comes out of my mouth. I hate that. Most people do not really know me ( or at least I do not think they do) and I really hate that. And honestly I don't give people the opportunity.

 

2015 has been a stable year except for a few things. My sweet girl is doing well at school, although we have our struggles. The biggest event for me was almost losing my mom. Driving from Atlanta to New Smyrna in the middle of the night all alone gives you the time to have some scary thoughts. Walking in and seeing your mom intubated was the hardest thing I have seen or had to deal with. My mom, I couldn't do anything for her but pray so that is what we did. More on that later. Thankfully my mom is home and making us laugh again.

 

I am glad to see 2015 go. I am joyful and have been blessed beyond measure but so many regrets occurred this year. I didn't trust enough. I didn't give enough. I didn't teach enough and I didn't love enough. No one can make excuses for me, its just sad. I have to obey more. Little eyes are watching me and not only see what I am doing, I'm learning she can sense my heart as well. Tired of caring too much about what people think of me. Not living the way I should be. I know I could be living better so that's part of next year. God gave me this life so that I could live it to the fullest and I want to be sincere. So lots to work on this year....