empathy

So what do you do when you keep putting yourself in someone else's shoes and all it does make you feel sad? I wish I could help everyone. I pass homeless people and I cant help but wonder what made that person homeless, does that person have a family and what does that person really need besides prayer?

I have a family who has decided to send their child on hospice, meaning they are getting ready to say goodbye to their precious child who has battled so hard against a stinky brain tumor. What goes on at home? Do they cry? Are they as joyful as their blog posts are? I just don't understand.

I wonder what Jesus did. I mean, I know what He did. I have read the stories. But to watch people suffer made him suffer. I wonder how Gods heart breaks when we dont help others or when we are selfish or when we make poor decisions. These are some of the random thoughts that go through my head.

We are blessed. We are blessed with so many things and so many dont have anything. I wonder what its like for a sweet baby to go to bed hungry or a baby not to know the love of a mom and dad. I hate wondering. I think its good to wonder because it help my heart grow a bit and I love to see things in a new perspective. This post has no end as my thoughts just keep going and going in such a random way!!

Does anyone else seem to do this as well? Just wonder what you would do/think/say in a variety of situations?

What if?

Man, I have been doing a lot of What iffing these days? It kind of started Sunday at church where they showed a clip for a trip to Zimbabwe. Ok, I do not want to go on this trip but I want to pray for those that are going to make a difference. So I watched. I cried. Tears down my eyes as I desired to hug, hold and laugh with these kids. I felt a hear pull. I said no God as I always do. I don't think this is the right time for me to go, but what if I had just said yes?

What if almost 2 years ago I didn't ask to see a file for a sweet baby named Lu Chun Ai? What if we had not met that family on the Disney cruise that introduced me to Dan and Susan?
What if we had done the biological baby thing? What if?

I am so tired of not making a difference. Now, I know some of you would say STOP right there but, I want to make more of a difference. I am just having a hard time taking first steps. I want to live with such a JOY that makes God obvious in everything I say and do.

I cant get over our daughter. She is just stinkin awesome. She is a stinker though and I wouldn't change her for anything in the world!

Sometimes I do the "What if I done this?" but now I am starting to do the "What if I dont do this?" I love that opportunities are around me, I love that I get to give. I want to do that more. I want to be selfless, I do not want to desire material things, yet I do. Ugh!!!!!

Do you ever WHAT IF?

Fall

I love love love this season, its the season before Christmas which really makes me happy but this season has so much going on. So many reminders that we have so much to be thankful for. The weather, the colors, the activities. So much for a toddler to enjoy and its so neat to see things through her itty bitty eyes.

No profound words here but am thankful for the sweet comments on my last post. Thankful for the friends who have stepped out of the boat and walking in faith once again! It does my heart good to see little ones coming home!

Im in a strange place right now. Ya know the place where you HAVE to make some changes, you know how to make those changes and you actually want to make those changes but dang you just don't want to take that first step. But you know if you can do it it will make positive results. This is a pretty private list so I will share. I HAVE to lose weight. SOON. NOW. It is no longer an option. I have know for years that or bodies are temples and part of Gods creation and we need to take care of it but why does it seem easier not to. Whatever. No excuses. Just gotta eat right and exercise. I have to get organized. Surprisingly, I like to do this. No so surprisingly, I am not that good at it. I have tried the Fly Lady, but she she kicked me out! Just kidding.. SO if you can pray for those 2 things, that would be great!

I will keep you posted.

Stuck

Sat night was a rare date night at one of my favorite events, a Christian concert. It was MWS, Third Day and Toby Mac! Loved it! Its also a scary time. Confused? I love praise and worship at concerts like this, I love knowing that God is enjoying the praise and I love it when the Holy Spirit is moving. I love leaving places where I am motivated to love more, encourage and sin less. I come home with a spiritual high only to have spiral down a few days later. It always happens. I just don't like that part.

But I was sitting there Sat night, thinking how much safer I would feel if I simply connected myself to my Christian friends and avoided all others. I really was thinking that. I would be more likely to obey Gods commandments and just be happier..Sad, huh? But we are not commanded to do that which is scary!

and now its Oct 5, and we just got home from a family dinner that ended in disaster. I ended up going off in a unGodly way to the manager and having a nice chat with LM about mommys behavior. Totally disappointed in myself. I did not represent Christ tonight at all, which is what we were commanded to do!

Anyone go through stuff like this?

Problems

So can someone explain to me why in the word I am having such a hard time as soon I start getting back in the word an getting real with God. This is another reason this blog is private..Some things just don't belong on facebook.

I screwed up this week, BIG TIME. Nothing illegal, but yours truly disappointed and hurt someone with my actions. It was not intentional. By trying to protect myself, I hurt someone. I didn't even think about it. I just did it. This coworker said I threw her under the bus by my words. My spirit has been broken and I don't know if she will forgive me. I verbally apologized and gave a written one. Humbled at how she shared her feelings but man, I didn't even think about it while I did it. Why? Why in the heck did I do this? Trying to be cool in front of someone that I don't even care about? Not that I don't care, this just wasn't a friend? I tried to solve a problem that I didn't really have to.

I really ruined any trust this person has with me. Oh I have prayed about it, prayed for peace, publically apologized but its going to be a long time before our relationship is anywhere where it was.
Thankful for a God who forgives.

I am rereading Crazy Love again and here is one thing I read

Worry implies that we dont quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of whats happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our importance, our lack of grace toward others, or our grip of control.

Right now, I am letting my problems consume instead of my God consuming me. I have to get back on track!! Any input would be greatly appreciated. I truly hate hurting people especially when I have no idea how badly I have hurt them or how mad they have gotten!

UGH!

my mind is wandering

Do you just ever question things? I mean question with no confidence at all? I am a believer but tonight has been another night that has got me wondering, thinking things that I do not want to think about. Tonight, I sat with a 7 year old little girl, while her parents were outside the room hearing a doctor tell them she has a brain tumor with a very poor diagnosis. What do you say to this mom? Whats going through her mind? I am standing outside of the room, where mom is crying, wants to be alone, and wants the lights off. I am giving her time to process.

This sweet pea is so wonderful, a great conversationalist and guess what? internationally adopted. I started my shift talking about adoption and life and 2 hours later hearing mom asking me questions about cancer and tumors. The parents are overwhelmed, the child rests with no cares int he world.

I just don't get it. I fully believe Romans 8;28 when the Bible says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This has nothing to do with my career, just a human who has questions and seems to dwell on the emotional side of things. I know that God has brought good, no great things out of what us earthly souls call pretty crappy things. I watched a 2 year old die of a brain tumor, and then 2 years later met that 2 year olds aunt in an adoption support system. I have met wonderful friends through these moments. I have learned to cherish precious moments, moments that you and I would easily ignore. I have seen these children touch thousands of lives during diagnosis, treatment and during the most difficult times. I just wonder. I have to hold on the the faith that God is able, that God is a bigger God than I can even imagine and that he knows every grain of sand.

Our God is an awesome God!

Meet Me in the Stairwell

You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news on September 11th, 2001.

Neither will I...

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say "Good-bye." I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, "Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK...I am ready to go."

I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. "I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!" I said. "Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now."

I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them.

I was in Texas, Kansas, London. I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me...Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor.

Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; "Come to Me...this way...take my hand."

Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me?

September 11th, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you.

But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are "ready to go."

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

Remember: I love you…
God

Written by: Stacey Randall