more to this life

The last few month have been very soul searching for me. I am hoping thats a lifetime thing because it sure has had me ask some serious question and God and I have had some cool conversations. I am still afraid of some of those anwers those, if I am being honest.

Between earthquakes, floods, tornadoes and sorrow all around me, I just questioned my existence and what in the heck my purpose is on this planet. I go through this every now and then .I love days that really get me thinking. I love days that show me something in a way i have never seen.

Ok, so this random I am sorry.

One of the things I struggle with is the fact that I have been a Christian for almost 30 years and I don't know my scripture half as well as people who are brand new Christians. I used to find this depressing, now I kind of find it a challenge. I have gone through a Bible study where I have read through the Bible, but each book had a book, I didn't get to study half as much as I want. I mean, I have all of these questions, common sense says I look to God for the answers first. So thanks to my trusty IPOD touch, my favorite part of my day is right before I go to sleep, and I read the Bible online using a chronological program which has taken me through Genesis and for some reason Job. This may be the first time, I have slowed down to read the whole book of Job. Now I remember the story of all the hardships he went through but here is what's been impacting me. His words! He just talks to God without hesitation. I love it. I am desperate for conversation like that. I know God knows my heart, but I want to converse my heart to him. You may not understand that. Heck I don't understand this.

On another note, I love my church. I love those who are leading and serving. I love to hear them pray. I am so jealous of their hearts. I know thats bad. I just find so much encouragement listening to the honest, humble, words of those whose lives reflect their faith.

One of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced happened today as our new lead pastor was announced. I do not have the time or words to share it here (one day) how what today's service meant to me. I cry at church a lot. Today I cried a lot. It was just..wow. I have no idea who over half of the people are at the church, and I left feeling like I celebrated with family. Go God!

Living, He loved me Dying, He saved me Buried, He carried my sins far away Rising, He justified freely forever One day He’s coming Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

Between this and Crowders How He Loves, these 2 songs give me such great encouragement. In fact, they make me want to go dig in to His word and find some more great stuff. Thanks for all of your encouragement. I love it and I am thankful. Oh I am still struggling. Still have some big questions that I am kind of afraid to ask because I am kind of afraid of the answers. But that's kind of what I have struggled with all my life.

Years and years ago I chose this as my life verse for soooo many reasons.

2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version) 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Its simple but it sums me up. I have lived in fear, in odd ways, in ways you may not know. Here's the thing, I may have a big mouth with lots and lots to say, but I sure do keep a lot inside. I have been so afraid of what people think of me that is has totally kept me from reaching all that God created me to be. Now I know that everyone struggles with stuff but my fear of what people think of me has gone on since I was a little girl and I sure did cover it well.

What I am finding interesting is that I have been a believer since I was way little and just now am I truly discovering the love He has for me. I will never understand it but every now and then I get a little glimpse which the coolest thing. I am doing a Bible study right now which is leading me deeper into is word and how He wants us to love others as He loves us. I am really wondering why its not part of who we are or why many (including myself) are not trying to make it part of who we are.

I grew up realizing the church was more than the building. I know that. Its more than just the bodies that attend there. After being a God follower for over 25 years, I am now understanding that we are the church and we literally are the hands and feet of Christ. I just love how we can be the love of Christ to sooo many. I am blown away by friends who have for the past few years have publiclally shared what God has done in their lives. I am blown away by encouragement I have gotten and the unexpected wisdom from friends I never expected. I am not surprised by all of this, but just loving the unexpected. Friends who share their hearts and new friends who share it all, even the yucky stuff which is still apart of daily life.

God is good. Even in the pain and sorry we are to draw to Him, no matter how painful or uncomfortable. He really is the only One who can complete every need that I have. I have to remind myself that God knows my thoughts, He knows everything about me. He knows the promises that I made to LynnMarie March 16, 2009. He knows what I am afraid of and He knows my passions and my failures. Kind of scary when I think of it like that but am thankful the Creator created me exactly who I am. As disappointed in myself as I am, He still wants to hug me, to know me, to touch me. Thats the comfort I need.

Joy

I find myself looking for happy things these days. Its really not that hard to find. Friends getting another child, new jobs, just people full of joy despite circumstances. Its hard sometimes, huh? Finding joy in circumstances. We are told to do it. The Bible is full of amazing stories yet I search for joy on this earth. Its very odd to be worried about things I can not change. It hard to write things that are in my mind that I have yet spoken. But I kind of have to get things out. You can probably figure out why this blog is private.


But here is what I am certain of. God is love. God loves me and KNOWS me. Knows me better than I could ever share with the blog world. That is the most comforting in the world isn't it? I am thankful for His grace and that his mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that we have His word.

I am thankful for wise friends who always tend to give me the greatest encouragement and insight when I am not expecting it. I am thankful for friends who lead by their actions.

I am thankful for authenticity and the journey I am on to get there.







Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,
—1 Peter 1:8

these days

Fear. Uneasiness. Whats going on in this world? Are we getting close to the end? Are we going to see Jesus come down to earth? Never ever thought I would type those words but I have certainly been thinking about them.

I have believed in God and his son Jesus for as long as I can remember but how many years have I acted on that belief? I am soooo disappointed with sooo many choices I have made over my life, and although I know I am forgiven, I still feel unworthy. Maybe this is God humbling me, I do not know.

I am sad for a few things. I am sad that there are friends and family who I will not see in Heaven. That makes my heart sick. I am sad that I have not acted in faith as much I should have. I have no idea why not since God has proven Himself sooo many times to me.

I love to love. I love to encourage. It brings me joy that I can't find anywhere else. But have I loved enough? Why am I so afraid to love like Jesus did? Why am I so afraid of getting out of my comfort zone? Why are there still homeless people in Atlanta? Why are still orphans around the world starving because they don't have formula? FORMULA? Are these situations placed on this earth so that we can demonstrate Jesus' love? Because we have seriously failed if thats the case.

Why do people in the church deliberately hurt one another? Please do not think I am singling my church. My church loves me an I have seen it love its members and the community (locally and globally) Every church has drama, I am just wondering why the church which was made to love, causes hurt sometimes? Is this just human nature?

I am excited that friends will get to hear God say "Well done my good and faithful servants". This excites me because I know their passion is deeply woven in their spirits.

What have I got to show? Now, I am only blogging this because its still a private blog. I do not want any of you to think why is Amy down in the dumps? I am not. I have been pondering these things for years. God has done some amazing things in my life. He has certainly shown himself to me over and over. I am just wondering why I am waffling. Satan sucks. I don't like doubt, especially when my faith has been so secure all of my life.

SO mind you, my mind is running fast. If my legs ran as fast as my mind, I seriously would not have a weight problem.

(im sure there will be more tomorrow)

the earth

What a scary time on this earth. Am I the only one who wonders if God is ready to come take His children home. This has really really been on my mind. Then I think of the millions who live in poverty, the thousands of homeless just in the United States and then I think of statistics. I read somewhere today that if each church in the Dallas, Tx surrounding area took one homeless person in to help get off the street, that would eliminate the homeless population in that city.

I keep wondering why most of us don't help more, that we stay in our little bubble because its sooo comfortable. I have donated money but I want to do more. I want LynnMarie to see us do more so next week LynnMarie and I are going to donate time to MUST ministries and just love on some people. I am a bit nervous but frankly we are called to love our neighbors and most of aren't doing squat...I am a little frustrated with myself if you have not figured that out...
Ugh...more to come later

the end of 2010

Time for another boring post. Its the end of 2o1o which means looking back at the past year and looking forward to the new one. This doesn't help when I've been thinking a lot about a lot. Its hard when you have sooo many questions and you don't when or where to find the answers.
Here is what I know. I am married to a wonderful man and have a precious sweet pea named LynnMarie. Unfortunately, they have both been sick this week. Yuck. Still, we have had lots of smiles.

So 2011 is coming and I have no idea whats going to happen. So I am going forward in making some new life goals, not new years goals.

Been thinking mental, physical and spiritual changes. I cant come up with another word for spiritual, because I am not a big fan of that word. My goal here is to get back in the word for real, and live and obey it. Really get honest with what I am commanded to do. I dont want to take the parts I life, but to live it all out. We will see. Its going to be harder than I thought and I know I have to figure out how to stay focused.

Physical- I do not have a choice but to lose weight so in general I need to make better choices in what I eat and when I exercise. Simple words, but now I have to put in action.

Be a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter. Simple, I need to make choices that put others before me. Better choices, If I have a hard time, I go back to the cliche, What would Jesus do?

Mentally- I am seriously wondering how mentally insane I am. I am not joking. I have come to the realization that I do not think like most people. Does this make me different? Uhm yes. Does this make me a bit paranoid? Yes...ugh. I will always live this way. God created me this way for a reason, just gotta figure out how I can use my being different for a greater cause..

What about you? Any goals?

Craziness

Its an odd holiday for the Christopher's, one that I would not change.

3 years ago I wondered when we would be a family of 3 at Christmas
2 years ago she was in my heart at Christmas
1 year ago, we saw lights in her eyes at the mystery of the holiday
This year,we see her sweet and tender heart exploring the holiday, questioning things and just loving life.

This year, the Christopher's are sort of forced to have a trimmed down Christmas. Time, finances and put us in a place where I can't go crazy like I usually do. Wow, I love it. Oh we have decorations, gifts a tree. But we also have cuddles, books, music and family time. It feels good.

I have been mentally overwhelmed but different areas of my life. Nothing bad, all has worked out but even church had me stressed for a bit. Im still not sure why I had to dwell on everything but now I am in a good place. I had to learn that sometimes change and pruning is good. We may not see it immediately but we need to have faith that God's plan will work out the way He intended.

The Christopher's will be okay. I have a family that is full of love, silliness, fun and all kinds of stuff. I have friends and family that truly love me. That's such a comfortable feeling.
Although this blog is private, there is still stuff I am hesitant to post. Maybe one day, but not now.


This Christmas I think of the families who are still waiting for there kids to come home. I pray for those in the hospital who know its their last Christmas with their family.

Anyway, God is obviously doing some cool things behind the scenes. Things I cant see quite yet. TO me thats both exciting and scary but I guess I will focus on the exciting part