Monday, June 27, 2011


Such random stuff has been going on these days. Stuff that I usually brush off has somehow become something bigger.

I worry. I worry a lot. I worry about problems. I worry about problems that I have caused and how they effect others. I worry about how others react to things. Anxiety and I are close. I wish that we were not that close. I truly think I worry more than most people but you would never know. I keep a lot of things in. A LOT. Really, it bugs me how much stuff I do not share with family or close friends. I never thought about it but I really have a trust issue. Very sad because if I could get past this, I would surely have deeper, more authentic relationships with my friends. I love love to listen to people. I love to be their friend. But for some reason, I just assume with everyone that its not reciprocated. You can tell me you are there for me, but honestly, I just can not believe. I told you guys I had BIG issues.

I desire so much more in the relationships I have. Its sad that I am the reason these friendships don't become what I desire, what God desires.

For some of you we have been friends for a while. Maybe reading this confuses you or maybe it sheds some light. this is the part of me that I want to change. I think 2010 was a year of self awareness. I became acutely aware of my weaknesses and although I think satan tried to drown me with them, I do believe that God will use them for greater things.

This week, I had to say goodbye to the sweetest friend I have ever known. No, she didn't move to Heaven, she left Atlanta to go to California. She took a HUGE leap of faith, and followed His voice. I am so proud of her. I am proud of what she accomplished here at church and what an example she has been. I so miss her already. I regret finding time to develop that relationship more. I really really regret that. I regret so many things and for some reason, I have chosen not to learn from things but I stay in my same pattern and continue on. This has got to stop.

I regret not living the full and abundant life Christ came to give us. I regret not living and loving more. I regret not trusting so many that have loved me.
So anyway, I am really going to live the life I was meant to live. One that's full of joy, full of living, full of faith and love. I am going to attempt to step all over this anxiety thing. Let me tell you bad it is. If you and I have a fb chat, I very well could take you the wrong way and this could seriously bother me for a long time. Its the same with a general conversation. Its very weird, since I think I am usually a very happy person.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I love love love what God is doing and what God has given me. I am blessed beyond reason and now its time to do something with those blessings.

The Voice. I don't hallucinate. I am not one of those people who thinks God talks to them all the time. But I do believe I have heard his voice LOUD and CLEAR a few times. Random times. They wont make sense to you. One was the night we saw LynnMarie's face for the first time. One was on the way to work when I decided it was a good time for quiet time. I turned off the radio and had a quick chat and then I turned it back on, I heard " That's all ya got?". Laugh. I heard it.

So now I heard it again Sunday. I am still trying to figure out whats it about. At first I thought it was me just rambling my thoughts around. I want a BIG change. I want something to make me get out of my comfort zone. I pondered this at the beginning of the service when I heard "Why not you?" Seriously it was so loud, I turned in my seat because I thought it was the guy behind me. I was like what was that about? Then we started talking about missions. I am not sure if this is what the voice was about but I started immediately thanking God for these people who are going to serve. Then I heard the it again. Why not you? I started thinking. LynnMarie. Michael. Work. Then I heard "more excuses". Ok really. I seriously can not make this up.
So I have no idea how to respond to this or where this will lead, but man, its got me going crazy.

So that's where I am now. I hope I do not stay here.