Such random stuff has been going on these days. Stuff that I usually brush off has somehow become something bigger.
I worry. I worry a lot. I worry about problems. I worry about problems that I have caused and how they effect others. I worry about how others react to things. Anxiety and I are close. I wish that we were not that close. I truly think I worry more than most people but you would never know. I keep a lot of things in. A LOT. Really, it bugs me how much stuff I do not share with family or close friends. I never thought about it but I really have a trust issue. Very sad because if I could get past this, I would surely have deeper, more authentic relationships with my friends. I love love to listen to people. I love to be their friend. But for some reason, I just assume with everyone that its not reciprocated. You can tell me you are there for me, but honestly, I just can not believe. I told you guys I had BIG issues.
I desire so much more in the relationships I have. Its sad that I am the reason these friendships don't become what I desire, what God desires.
For some of you we have been friends for a while. Maybe reading this confuses you or maybe it sheds some light. this is the part of me that I want to change. I think 2010 was a year of self awareness. I became acutely aware of my weaknesses and although I think satan tried to drown me with them, I do believe that God will use them for greater things.
This week, I had to say goodbye to the sweetest friend I have ever known. No, she didn't move to Heaven, she left Atlanta to go to California. She took a HUGE leap of faith, and followed His voice. I am so proud of her. I am proud of what she accomplished here at church and what an example she has been. I so miss her already. I regret finding time to develop that relationship more. I really really regret that. I regret so many things and for some reason, I have chosen not to learn from things but I stay in my same pattern and continue on. This has got to stop.
I regret not living the full and abundant life Christ came to give us. I regret not living and loving more. I regret not trusting so many that have loved me.
So anyway, I am really going to live the life I was meant to live. One that's full of joy, full of living, full of faith and love. I am going to attempt to step all over this anxiety thing. Let me tell you bad it is. If you and I have a fb chat, I very well could take you the wrong way and this could seriously bother me for a long time. Its the same with a general conversation. Its very weird, since I think I am usually a very happy person.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I love love love what God is doing and what God has given me. I am blessed beyond reason and now its time to do something with those blessings.
The Voice. I don't hallucinate. I am not one of those people who thinks God talks to them all the time. But I do believe I have heard his voice LOUD and CLEAR a few times. Random times. They wont make sense to you. One was the night we saw LynnMarie's face for the first time. One was on the way to work when I decided it was a good time for quiet time. I turned off the radio and had a quick chat and then I turned it back on, I heard " That's all ya got?". Laugh. I heard it.
So now I heard it again Sunday. I am still trying to figure out whats it about. At first I thought it was me just rambling my thoughts around. I want a BIG change. I want something to make me get out of my comfort zone. I pondered this at the beginning of the service when I heard "Why not you?" Seriously it was so loud, I turned in my seat because I thought it was the guy behind me. I was like what was that about? Then we started talking about missions. I am not sure if this is what the voice was about but I started immediately thanking God for these people who are going to serve. Then I heard the it again. Why not you? I started thinking. LynnMarie. Michael. Work. Then I heard "more excuses". Ok really. I seriously can not make this up.
So I have no idea how to respond to this or where this will lead, but man, its got me going crazy.
So that's where I am now. I hope I do not stay here.
I'm so gald you blogged about your experience! I am also a recovering worrier....I come from a long line of strong worrier's (pretty sure that isn't even a word, but you get me...)....I say I am "recovering" b/c I (in the past 3-4 years) have truly learned to let go. Let go of what other people think, say or do...let go of the "what if's" and my biggest worry, let go of money issues....this one has honestly just happened for me in the last two weeks....the worry of money will no longer have a hold on me. I don't care about it any longer...and finally I can say that with honesty. I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life and from that, church and the Bible I just realized I have been putting SO many restraints on my full trust in God when it comes to security. Saving more $ and having money in the bank made me feel more secure and it shouldn't...it can all be taken away in a split second...it isn't everlasting. Sorry to ramble about my own issues, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. When it comes to the words you heard on Sunday, if you think it is about missions, then just start talking to Rick E. with the outreach team at NMC....going to another country seems such a huge deal especially when you have a little girl, work and a hubby to take care of...but so much can be done right here in Atlanta. I need to take my own advice and get moving on that. Since my family came home from a Haiti mission trip in the Spring I have felt much more compelled to reach out and go tell...why am I not doing more right now? Excuses, Excuses....if you want, we can do it together...Saturday serve or something...we can even take the girls...I would love it. I'll be praying about that. You are special Amy and I'm glad to know you. :-)
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