Thursday, December 8, 2011
So a few months ago I talked about hearing a whisper from God at church. I spent a while trying to figure out what He was trying to say. Was it to let go of everything that's holding me back? career change? Well, since then I have decided to go back to school and start in Jan but at the same time, I am so afraid of what He was asking.
Here is what God is asking of me. Shake things up. Get out of the comfort zone! Could this be a mission trip? Maybe. Could be asking us to move or find another job? Perhaps. But at this moment, God is reminding me to love. Oh I know, I love. I love to love. I am a kind person, usually, if you don't tick me off. But here is the deal, I want to love the unlovable. Like, get close and love. This could be anything. This is more than donating money which I know can me an awesome thing. I'm at this concert watching a video of what Gods love can look like. I am encouraged . I am hopeful. I want my child to learn by example. I want to love without excuses. To put others first. So this week, I am going to start my new resolutions. Going to make a list of places that I may be able to volunteer. If anyone has any idea, please let me know. I am going to check out MUST ministries but I really want help more than that. Let's see where this takes me. I have to remember what I was created for. I dont think I was created to be comfortable.Time to shake things up
Saturday, September 17, 2011
The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight.
I love the word Joy. To me is a word that means a happiness that is beyond circumstances, a happiness hard to define. I know many joyful people. They walk in the room, and happiness follows them.
But despite what the good ole dictionary says, my definition of joy is changing. Most of the people that I find joyful, are friends that live for the Lord, that define themselves in doing things and not things they own.
I keep meeting people that have JOY but they don't have much. I am talking about people who have suffered great losses and still smile. They don't complain because their happiness lies in the one above. Its very easy to read the words but its another thing to see someone living. I am a bit jealous of those joyful folks. Because they seem to have it together. They know whats important. its not what you own, what fun stuff you can do, where you can travel. Its truly being happy with what God has given you at that time. They do not focus on the future. they are living in the now. I know, odd post but its something that's been on my mind.
I read blogs and meet people who live in 3rd world countries who have never heard the terms Wi-Fi, IPADs, facebook or even cell phone. They are content with what they have. I am jealous of them.. Praying I can get back to simplicity
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Ok. So here is the deal. I love worship moments that you just cant predict. Today was one of those. Great environment. Great worship leaders. I had this moment where words just poured out my my head.It was beautiful. I didn't have to think about it. It was crazy. I wait for these moments and love it when they happen. Its always when I either choose or are forced to get quiet and focus on why I am here and how much He loves me. I don't think I realize that enough but I am going try to focus on that every single day. I witness such beauty everyday and I miss it because I am so busy with what I think I need to be doing. I watched people worshiping with all of their hearts today and that brought many tears to my eyes.
I heard our pastor today say that we are fully alive when we are fully worshiping God. How true. Its impossible to realize that God loves me more than I can imagine and sees the whole story. I love thy mystery of Gods awesomeness.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
So here is my new dilemma. I am desperate for change. I need to lose weight. A lot of weight. I want to lose weight. I want to become organized, really organized.I want to obey God more.
Now all of those things are awesome and come with great rewards. its getting there thats hard. So now I have to figure out how to do all of those, little baby steps, step by step.
Sweet LynnMarie started school today so I am hoping to designate each day to do a different project and give myself a goal.
So thats my plan, for now.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I worry. I worry a lot. I worry about problems. I worry about problems that I have caused and how they effect others. I worry about how others react to things. Anxiety and I are close. I wish that we were not that close. I truly think I worry more than most people but you would never know. I keep a lot of things in. A LOT. Really, it bugs me how much stuff I do not share with family or close friends. I never thought about it but I really have a trust issue. Very sad because if I could get past this, I would surely have deeper, more authentic relationships with my friends. I love love to listen to people. I love to be their friend. But for some reason, I just assume with everyone that its not reciprocated. You can tell me you are there for me, but honestly, I just can not believe. I told you guys I had BIG issues.
I desire so much more in the relationships I have. Its sad that I am the reason these friendships don't become what I desire, what God desires.
For some of you we have been friends for a while. Maybe reading this confuses you or maybe it sheds some light. this is the part of me that I want to change. I think 2010 was a year of self awareness. I became acutely aware of my weaknesses and although I think satan tried to drown me with them, I do believe that God will use them for greater things.
This week, I had to say goodbye to the sweetest friend I have ever known. No, she didn't move to Heaven, she left Atlanta to go to California. She took a HUGE leap of faith, and followed His voice. I am so proud of her. I am proud of what she accomplished here at church and what an example she has been. I so miss her already. I regret finding time to develop that relationship more. I really really regret that. I regret so many things and for some reason, I have chosen not to learn from things but I stay in my same pattern and continue on. This has got to stop.
I regret not living the full and abundant life Christ came to give us. I regret not living and loving more. I regret not trusting so many that have loved me.
So anyway, I am really going to live the life I was meant to live. One that's full of joy, full of living, full of faith and love. I am going to attempt to step all over this anxiety thing. Let me tell you bad it is. If you and I have a fb chat, I very well could take you the wrong way and this could seriously bother me for a long time. Its the same with a general conversation. Its very weird, since I think I am usually a very happy person.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I love love love what God is doing and what God has given me. I am blessed beyond reason and now its time to do something with those blessings.
The Voice. I don't hallucinate. I am not one of those people who thinks God talks to them all the time. But I do believe I have heard his voice LOUD and CLEAR a few times. Random times. They wont make sense to you. One was the night we saw LynnMarie's face for the first time. One was on the way to work when I decided it was a good time for quiet time. I turned off the radio and had a quick chat and then I turned it back on, I heard " That's all ya got?". Laugh. I heard it.
So now I heard it again Sunday. I am still trying to figure out whats it about. At first I thought it was me just rambling my thoughts around. I want a BIG change. I want something to make me get out of my comfort zone. I pondered this at the beginning of the service when I heard "Why not you?" Seriously it was so loud, I turned in my seat because I thought it was the guy behind me. I was like what was that about? Then we started talking about missions. I am not sure if this is what the voice was about but I started immediately thanking God for these people who are going to serve. Then I heard the it again. Why not you? I started thinking. LynnMarie. Michael. Work. Then I heard "more excuses". Ok really. I seriously can not make this up.
So I have no idea how to respond to this or where this will lead, but man, its got me going crazy.
So that's where I am now. I hope I do not stay here.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Between earthquakes, floods, tornadoes and sorrow all around me, I just questioned my existence and what in the heck my purpose is on this planet. I go through this every now and then .I love days that really get me thinking. I love days that show me something in a way i have never seen.
Ok, so this random I am sorry.
One of the things I struggle with is the fact that I have been a Christian for almost 30 years and I don't know my scripture half as well as people who are brand new Christians. I used to find this depressing, now I kind of find it a challenge. I have gone through a Bible study where I have read through the Bible, but each book had a book, I didn't get to study half as much as I want. I mean, I have all of these questions, common sense says I look to God for the answers first. So thanks to my trusty IPOD touch, my favorite part of my day is right before I go to sleep, and I read the Bible online using a chronological program which has taken me through Genesis and for some reason Job. This may be the first time, I have slowed down to read the whole book of Job. Now I remember the story of all the hardships he went through but here is what's been impacting me. His words! He just talks to God without hesitation. I love it. I am desperate for conversation like that. I know God knows my heart, but I want to converse my heart to him. You may not understand that. Heck I don't understand this.
On another note, I love my church. I love those who are leading and serving. I love to hear them pray. I am so jealous of their hearts. I know thats bad. I just find so much encouragement listening to the honest, humble, words of those whose lives reflect their faith.
One of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced happened today as our new lead pastor was announced. I do not have the time or words to share it here (one day) how what today's service meant to me. I cry at church a lot. Today I cried a lot. It was just..wow. I have no idea who over half of the people are at the church, and I left feeling like I celebrated with family. Go God!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Between this and Crowders How He Loves, these 2 songs give me such great encouragement. In fact, they make me want to go dig in to His word and find some more great stuff. Thanks for all of your encouragement. I love it and I am thankful. Oh I am still struggling. Still have some big questions that I am kind of afraid to ask because I am kind of afraid of the answers. But that's kind of what I have struggled with all my life.Years and years ago I chose this as my life verse for soooo many reasons.
2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version) 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Its simple but it sums me up. I have lived in fear, in odd ways, in ways you may not know. Here's the thing, I may have a big mouth with lots and lots to say, but I sure do keep a lot inside. I have been so afraid of what people think of me that is has totally kept me from reaching all that God created me to be. Now I know that everyone struggles with stuff but my fear of what people think of me has gone on since I was a little girl and I sure did cover it well.
What I am finding interesting is that I have been a believer since I was way little and just now am I truly discovering the love He has for me. I will never understand it but every now and then I get a little glimpse which the coolest thing. I am doing a Bible study right now which is leading me deeper into is word and how He wants us to love others as He loves us. I am really wondering why its not part of who we are or why many (including myself) are not trying to make it part of who we are.
I grew up realizing the church was more than the building. I know that. Its more than just the bodies that attend there. After being a God follower for over 25 years, I am now understanding that we are the church and we literally are the hands and feet of Christ. I just love how we can be the love of Christ to sooo many. I am blown away by friends who have for the past few years have publiclally shared what God has done in their lives. I am blown away by encouragement I have gotten and the unexpected wisdom from friends I never expected. I am not surprised by all of this, but just loving the unexpected. Friends who share their hearts and new friends who share it all, even the yucky stuff which is still apart of daily life.
God is good. Even in the pain and sorry we are to draw to Him, no matter how painful or uncomfortable. He really is the only One who can complete every need that I have. I have to remind myself that God knows my thoughts, He knows everything about me. He knows the promises that I made to LynnMarie March 16, 2009. He knows what I am afraid of and He knows my passions and my failures. Kind of scary when I think of it like that but am thankful the Creator created me exactly who I am. As disappointed in myself as I am, He still wants to hug me, to know me, to touch me. Thats the comfort I need.
Friday, March 25, 2011
But here is what I am certain of. God is love. God loves me and KNOWS me. Knows me better than I could ever share with the blog world. That is the most comforting in the world isn't it? I am thankful for His grace and that his mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that we have His word.
I am thankful for wise friends who always tend to give me the greatest encouragement and insight when I am not expecting it. I am thankful for friends who lead by their actions.
I am thankful for authenticity and the journey I am on to get there.
Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,
—1 Peter 1:8
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I have believed in God and his son Jesus for as long as I can remember but how many years have I acted on that belief? I am soooo disappointed with sooo many choices I have made over my life, and although I know I am forgiven, I still feel unworthy. Maybe this is God humbling me, I do not know.
I am sad for a few things. I am sad that there are friends and family who I will not see in Heaven. That makes my heart sick. I am sad that I have not acted in faith as much I should have. I have no idea why not since God has proven Himself sooo many times to me.
I love to love. I love to encourage. It brings me joy that I can't find anywhere else. But have I loved enough? Why am I so afraid to love like Jesus did? Why am I so afraid of getting out of my comfort zone? Why are there still homeless people in Atlanta? Why are still orphans around the world starving because they don't have formula? FORMULA? Are these situations placed on this earth so that we can demonstrate Jesus' love? Because we have seriously failed if thats the case.
Why do people in the church deliberately hurt one another? Please do not think I am singling my church. My church loves me an I have seen it love its members and the community (locally and globally) Every church has drama, I am just wondering why the church which was made to love, causes hurt sometimes? Is this just human nature?
I am excited that friends will get to hear God say "Well done my good and faithful servants". This excites me because I know their passion is deeply woven in their spirits.
What have I got to show? Now, I am only blogging this because its still a private blog. I do not want any of you to think why is Amy down in the dumps? I am not. I have been pondering these things for years. God has done some amazing things in my life. He has certainly shown himself to me over and over. I am just wondering why I am waffling. Satan sucks. I don't like doubt, especially when my faith has been so secure all of my life.
SO mind you, my mind is running fast. If my legs ran as fast as my mind, I seriously would not have a weight problem.
(im sure there will be more tomorrow)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I keep wondering why most of us don't help more, that we stay in our little bubble because its sooo comfortable. I have donated money but I want to do more. I want LynnMarie to see us do more so next week LynnMarie and I are going to donate time to MUST ministries and just love on some people. I am a bit nervous but frankly we are called to love our neighbors and most of aren't doing squat...I am a little frustrated with myself if you have not figured that out...
Ugh...more to come later