Monday, October 29, 2012

Comfort zones and random thoughts

Looking to hear from someone who has stepped out of there comfort zone in an act of faith and realized it was a mistake! I can't seem to find anyone!

I am going through a phase where 2 parts of my life I feel need change. I am really hoping this is a phase because I have gone through this before but I am starting to wonder if I need to just go and make this change. In both places I have have felt comfortable and safe. In both places I have made wonderful friends and grown as a person. But for some reason, I do not feel like I belong in either place right now. Is it God nudging me to make a move or am I fighting Him, knowing he is providing opportunities to learn and love more.
Any suggestions?

I spent the weekend realizing just how hypocritical I am, how I have been for a long time. I hate that I do not love more, I hate that I choose sarcasm over kindness. I am sorry that I hide from getting closer to people. I hate that I hate the word hate and I have already used it 5 times. I hate that I have great conversations with God but scared to death to pray in a group setting. I hate that I judge. Even small ones, I judge. I hate being judged, even get paranoid about it but I have judged many by how they look, the words they use, who they vote  for (sorry, just being honest), how they choose to spend their money, etc and then I realize I do all the same things those people do. I try not to but it happens.

I wonder why I have grown up learning and loving God's word. I wonder why my faith which determines how I behave and interact has somehow been put aside.  I tend to care more about what those around me say is good and true and right instead of going to the Bible. Ugh! 

For those who know me, for those who care about me, please forgive me! 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I am sooooo mentally overwhelmed with things that do not matter to most people. Its really annoying actually. I can be awake for 24 hours, and then lay down and everything hits me at once and I can not sleep. 

Its been a crazy week but glad normal starts again tomorrow. I am not sure what normal is like, not sure if I ever really experienced normal, HA!

I have learned that you do not realize you have control issues until you lack it. Really, I mean it. I am a pretty laid back kind of gal, I am not a perfectionist and I thought I was easy to communicate with, but I have learned that all the communication issues I have are probably my fault. I do not like conflict, I avoid it at all costs. I avoid it before it begins. I have conversations where I predict how the other person will answer and I will change the entire course  of a conversation to avoid any conversation. Most of you who know me well know this and if you didn't know this, you have a great advantage. HAHA! I do not think I have ever experienced a a conversation of conflict with out my heart rate going into the 150's

So as I sit here, going through a lot of mental stuff these days, I realize that I can not control things. Honestly, I have always know this. But I can not control how others perceive me, how they react to me, or anything about anyone. But I can control my choices, which a great friend reminded me the other day. So that is what I will focus on. I have begun each day in prayer that God will guide me in making wise decisions even in the smallest ones.

So, this was a random post about random stuff. A bit too tired now, but going to process things that have been on my heart. Going to pray about those who are about to get hit hard by a hurricane, pray for our presidential candidates and pray for those who are hurting tonight.

So yes, this is me. The real me. Still trying to figure out how to be me. Trying to learn to take a step into the unknown. Thankful for those who choose to love and believe in me!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Ah! What a crazy week! Lots of things going on, lots of listening, praying and no so much doing, although I did lose 6 pounds this week. I have been dwelling on some fb comments and blog comments this week. This is not necessarily bad, but it has gotten me thinking.

So, I am odd. I fully believe that God created me to be me, but sometimes I am just not normal.And I know that many of you will say but Amy thats why we love you, ugh.  Here is an example. I love positive feedback, I love getting compliments, but not too many of them. Got my hair cut pretty short this week and soooo many people gave me compliments. I love that they love it, but it also means attention was on me, and I really am not comfortable in most situations where the attention is on me. Then there was the weight loss post on facebook that brought comments. I am so thankful that people posted happy thoughts but that also means 46 people read it and had me on their mind.  I am not sure I can even explain why it makes me feel so weird. It is so nice to be encouraged, but its also odd to have attention on me. I figured out I have control issues at this point. Thats another issue.

Well that was issue #256, we have sooo many more to cover. I read a comment from a college roommate that said she loved me when I was keeping people arm lengths away. I knew I was doing that, and I realize I do that now. Want to know why? Because as much as I desire to share my heart with people, I do not trust that people want to hear it. That's it, simple. Now I have figured out I have trust issues. I just assume that once I get started sharing, I will get on people's nerves and annoy the heck out of them. I know I sound crazy, but this is so true and I know its keeping me from so many life moments. I desire to change, I just fear the process. I am sick of whining about God calling me to do things, and being afraid to take that step when everyone I know is just jumping in. Still jealous of those people.

Thankful  God is not done with me yet!

Friday, October 12, 2012


Made it to my first weight watchers meeting in a long time. So here is how it works. For the past few years, I go to a WW meeting with my friend Donna. I leave Bible Study a few minutes early, we go and weigh in  and then we head over to lunch for some yummy Mexican food and fellowship. Before you go all crazy on me, fat people have to eat too. I am just saying.. So we have figured out a lunch that is pretty low in points and we skip all the cheese and sour cream and such. OK, so when I order the queso, that is a bad choice, but just remember everyone, even fat people, get treats as well. I am just saying.  Anywho, the weight in was not as bad as I expected and I have some hope! My leader has lost an amazing amount of weight!

So before Bible study, without doing the homework. I felt sooo guilty but I just could not get it done with our anniversary trip and school work. I went anyway. I am doing the Breaking Free study with some awesome gals who have been sharing some of their history, their stories and prayer requests. Can I tell you how much I want to be like those people? Now I have to tell you, and I know she is going to read this but my amazingly, awesome, wonderful, encouraging Bible study leader called me out on Wed and told people to come over and read my blog and then I said something I shouldn't have. It was meant to be funny but I said it out of fear and surprise and had to go and apologize to her. Because of guilt. Strike one. 

I have spent hours upon hours thinking of  my issues and how many I have brought on myself. It stinks that these issues stay in my brain for so long.

There are many encouraging verses out there that have been popping in my head lately. I am working on gettings one more in my head because it really does help when I can just quote them. Sounds silly since I have been a Christian for so long but I do not have nearly enough hidden in my heart.

But I go back to one that I made my life verse as a teenager and now it appears as it really hits on my weaknesses.

2 Timothy 1:7

New International Version (NIV)
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Now when you read this in various verses, it talks about being strong and not afraid of things which is clearly something I need to work on. Then there is part 2 which talks about self-discipline, which is something I struggle with. Not just with the obvious weight but self disipline in regards to material items, cleaning my house and getting organized and just living the life I was called to be.

I know I can be better better, do better. I was created for soo much more!

Thanks for reading friends!

Monday, October 8, 2012

The one where Amy tells all

I have got issues. Yes, I am aware that everyone has issues but for me, all of mine are on my sleeve. I hate that. I know that I have some really odd personality quirks. But what you do not know is that I am aware of them, and there is probably a reason for them.

Weight- yep, have an issue with that. Didn't notice? You LIE! HA! I remember someone telling me when I was little and skinny that some people make fun of themselves before others get the chance. I think this is where my sarcasm starting coming into play. Yes, I hate being fat. Yes, I want to change but just can't get past the first 20 pounds. I so very wish I had a life coach for this area of my life because I am truly letting so many down with not living a healthier lifestyle. 

Self- I do not know even to know where to start with this. One of my biggest issues is envy or jealousy. Not of material things, but of lifestyle changes. I think this has made me want more. There are so many friends who live as they are called to. I know they are not perfect, but dang they obey publicly and I love love love it.  I want to be like all of these friends. They are the kind of friends you just want to get to know better but you just dont know how. You just dont feel comfortable because although you know  they are not better than you, you still feel that and do not want to screw something up in front of them, I really really wish I were not like that, because I feel like I am missing some good relationships simply based on fear. I have a fear of sharing too much  information because I fear if they know they real me, they will throw that relationship away. Yet, I want to share and I want people to get to me because I have not let that happen that often. If you are still reading this, you get points.HAHA! 

So there are times, when I am blunt or sarcastic and seem to be being ugly. Lets be honest, there are a few time when that perception is correct. I can have a temper but I am usually hiding behind something thats going in. So please do not think I am being ugly.I just have issues. I am 37 years old and feel like I am in high school sometimes, still trying to impress people. Trying to impress coworkers, friends and people in church. I am working this and finding out who I really am. I mean, I know who I am but Iam trying to show the rest of the world who I am. But that leads me to the next section.

I do not want to care about what the rest of the world thinks.  I know you have heard this before. But I feel like I am on a diving board,getting ready to jump. Ready to jump into a new way of living.Afraid of jumping in but afraid to stay where I am especially when I know the jump will lead me to great things. Ready to live every moment glorifying God and doing what I need to do for Him. I  want my words and actions to say Jesus to everyone around me. I want to wake up every morning wondering how I can make a difference or how I can impact someone else's life. I do not want it to be about me. I want a new mindset. I want to be able hear His words when I have a decision. I am not trying to be some super Christian, I just want to closer to my God who has already given me a miracle and blessed me beyond measure. Some of you do not understand this but I hope someday you will.

Alright, so this has got to be the most confusing post you have read.I am Amy, the one who is always happy and cheerful. Usually,that is correct. But I am so sick of trying to please everyone, trying to fit in and never feeling like I do. Sick of feeling left out, even though I know I know thats not the case. But I want to change how I percieve things. One of the things God has been whispering over and over is GO!  I am still trying to process this as I process all of the other changes God is asking of me right now. To be completely honest and this may be the first time I have admitted this, my weight is holding me back from going to the places He has called me to go. I hate that. I hate that my weaknesses have caused me to fear and not step forward. 

So if you are chatting with my on FB or see me at work or church, call me out on anything. I need it. I need accountability. I am very thankful for my sweet husband who has learned to be kind when holding me accountable. 

I am not sure how long this post will stay up but feel to comment. This is not to be a poor Amy post, but a post as I begin a new way of thinking. I will be a long process and a slow process and I have no idea how to get to each step but man, thankful I had the guts to put this out here..

Thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!