Struggling

Its 2 days before Christmas and my heart is all mixed up with emotions. I do not know where to start. Work has been busy, its been the week that everyone has talked about the Mayans and I still do feel like I am living the life God created me to be simply because I am so stinking lazy. I am stuck at work, waiting for more energy and I am lacking a lot in the interpersonal relationship department. All of these things I plan on working on.

 I was able to worship today for the second week in a row. Loved it, needed it and got more out of it than I expected. I sat behind two sweet little girls and some good friends. I never want to hear anyone doubt that a 4yo can worship because they one I saw had me in tears. No drama but her sweet hands were raised during one of the songs. She wasn't copying anyone, and she did not know all the words but you can tell she was singing to her Heavenly Father. I love it when God uses a little child to put things into perspective. My daughter has had me in tears all week. I would love to blame it on sleep deprivation or hormones but I think God is continuously whispering to me. I look at my daughter and thing of the families in Newtown, Ct.  I wonder how they families felt when they dropped their kids off at school and had no idea they would never see them again. My heart aches for all of them. Those 20 children have impacted a nation. I love reading scripture about how God loved the little children.  I think about the sweet little girls I watched today, and I sat and cuddlebugged my daughter this evening. Then I think about the doctors appointment LynnMarie and I had today for a few hours. I was asked to share what I know about her infancy. People, I cried the WHOLE time. I shared what I know and she was amazed and teared up as well. Not tears of sadness, but happy tears that I have gotten to see God work in LynnMarie's sweet life all around the world. I am amazed that we get to experience her story.

So, let me admit something. Please do not judge. I do not think the Mayans had anything one is. I do believe scripture when it says no man knows when He is coming back.  But for a moment, I was a bit nervous. Not because the world was going to end, but because I have not lived the life I was created for. Many Christian friends have made joke after joke about the Mayans, and I find very few of them funny. And although I do not believe in that whole theory, I have been thinking about how I live my life. What words I use, what actions and I do and what kind of witness I am. I am thankful for these feelings but scared to death because I have no idea where to start.

I have got to watch my sense of humor. I need to have substance in my conversations. I need to  quit waiting for people to invite me to things and start doing the inviting and I need to quit worry about what others think of me.Yep, I know you have all heard these before but I am hoping if I type the words then I will prompt myself to change. I was told by someone the other day that I need to loosen up and soften my heart. Well, that sure got me all paranoid. Apparently I give off that vibe to some people...oops, I had no idea.

So, I am going to try to find 24 hours of nothing but me and God soon. I need some quiet time and I need to listen. Because I think each one of us has the ability to make such an impact on this world. Its not the impact I am interested in, its living the life so that all someone sees is Christ through me. I have many people I look up to who are living this life and I am hoping to spend some quality time with these people soon.

So, this Christmas as we celebrate the birth of that tiny little baby, I am going to remember what an impact that baby had on my life.
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