The one where Amy tells all

I have got issues. Yes, I am aware that everyone has issues but for me, all of mine are on my sleeve. I hate that. I know that I have some really odd personality quirks. But what you do not know is that I am aware of them, and there is probably a reason for them.

Weight- yep, have an issue with that. Didn't notice? You LIE! HA! I remember someone telling me when I was little and skinny that some people make fun of themselves before others get the chance. I think this is where my sarcasm starting coming into play. Yes, I hate being fat. Yes, I want to change but just can't get past the first 20 pounds. I so very wish I had a life coach for this area of my life because I am truly letting so many down with not living a healthier lifestyle. 

Self- I do not know even to know where to start with this. One of my biggest issues is envy or jealousy. Not of material things, but of lifestyle changes. I think this has made me want more. There are so many friends who live as they are called to. I know they are not perfect, but dang they obey publicly and I love love love it.  I want to be like all of these friends. They are the kind of friends you just want to get to know better but you just dont know how. You just dont feel comfortable because although you know  they are not better than you, you still feel that and do not want to screw something up in front of them, I really really wish I were not like that, because I feel like I am missing some good relationships simply based on fear. I have a fear of sharing too much  information because I fear if they know they real me, they will throw that relationship away. Yet, I want to share and I want people to get to me because I have not let that happen that often. If you are still reading this, you get points.HAHA! 

So there are times, when I am blunt or sarcastic and seem to be being ugly. Lets be honest, there are a few time when that perception is correct. I can have a temper but I am usually hiding behind something thats going in. So please do not think I am being ugly.I just have issues. I am 37 years old and feel like I am in high school sometimes, still trying to impress people. Trying to impress coworkers, friends and people in church. I am working this and finding out who I really am. I mean, I know who I am but Iam trying to show the rest of the world who I am. But that leads me to the next section.

I do not want to care about what the rest of the world thinks.  I know you have heard this before. But I feel like I am on a diving board,getting ready to jump. Ready to jump into a new way of living.Afraid of jumping in but afraid to stay where I am especially when I know the jump will lead me to great things. Ready to live every moment glorifying God and doing what I need to do for Him. I  want my words and actions to say Jesus to everyone around me. I want to wake up every morning wondering how I can make a difference or how I can impact someone else's life. I do not want it to be about me. I want a new mindset. I want to be able hear His words when I have a decision. I am not trying to be some super Christian, I just want to closer to my God who has already given me a miracle and blessed me beyond measure. Some of you do not understand this but I hope someday you will.

Alright, so this has got to be the most confusing post you have read.I am Amy, the one who is always happy and cheerful. Usually,that is correct. But I am so sick of trying to please everyone, trying to fit in and never feeling like I do. Sick of feeling left out, even though I know I know thats not the case. But I want to change how I percieve things. One of the things God has been whispering over and over is GO!  I am still trying to process this as I process all of the other changes God is asking of me right now. To be completely honest and this may be the first time I have admitted this, my weight is holding me back from going to the places He has called me to go. I hate that. I hate that my weaknesses have caused me to fear and not step forward. 

So if you are chatting with my on FB or see me at work or church, call me out on anything. I need it. I need accountability. I am very thankful for my sweet husband who has learned to be kind when holding me accountable. 

I am not sure how long this post will stay up but feel to comment. This is not to be a poor Amy post, but a post as I begin a new way of thinking. I will be a long process and a slow process and I have no idea how to get to each step but man, thankful I had the guts to put this out here..

Thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!

Amy

God's whispers

So, I have been having some serious prayer time these days. Asking God to open my eyes and ears to hear and see things in a different light. He has been doing that a little bit at a time through friends, my daughter and other experiences. I am so wanting some big change that I had been focusing on THE CHANGE, and that was not good.

I have heard God sweetly tell me to slow down, enjoy life and be willing to obey. I once read that the more you obey, the easier it will be to hear HIS voice. I am working on it. But as usual, its hard to obey the things that are uncomfortable for me. That has always been the case.

I am not one that can use big Christian words like many, I am not the best at praying out loud and I am struggling with living a life that shows my love for Him when I am out in public. But I am working on it, I really am.

A few months ago, at church, I heard a whisper from God as our church talked about missions (specifically Africa) I am not sure what it was about, but I heard Him say, Why not you? I am big on making excuses, and I quickly replied...because. That's all I had. Ugh. I have been waiting for doors to be open to be encouraged,, blah blah blah. That's another excuse because if I truly were chasing after Him, I would running towards the opportunities, there are several around me.

So, I am leaving the church this morning from dropping LynnMarie off at VBS and I see a lady that I was in Bible Study with last team.  We chatted, looking forward to our Bible study in the fall and she tells me she just got back from Haiti. Without a beat, she asked me when I am going to Africa? Ok, I didn't mention this in Bible Study, nor her as I do not know her very well. I gave her a list of my excuses, including not leaving my girl for 2 weeks and she tells me that she left her 4 little ones and that she would be praying for me. I walked away thinking I should not have told her that ( I'm being honest here). I got in my car. Thought about it. Thought about my excuse and heard "Amy, you can't leave your family and comfort for 2 weeks? I gave my son for you, and you can't serve me alone for 2 weeks? I promise you, your life will be changed. OBEY ME! Seriously, these moments have been coming a bit more frequently and I drove away teary eyed.

More to come

Copied this from my friend Rebecca and I know she won't mind. There will not be a certain number on my list nor will all of it make sense to you guys but its time to remember to be thankful to the One who has given me far more than I could ever deserve!

1) My family

2) Quick trips to Florida to get hubby a car

3) A sister who helped get the above

4) a job that has opened so many doors for the past 10 years

5) the ability to talk to the One who created me

6) Chinese mermaid princesses

7) Tinkerbell fairy rescues

8) my bed

9) my roof

10) socks and shoes

11)Swallowzz Nest (my sweet girl's very first home)

Summer has started. I have no plans. Well, entertaining sweet girl, getting lots of studying done (4 classes left) and losing weight are my plans. LynnMarie has plans. So far, 3 VBS's and one Bible camp and if we can swing a  Princess music camp will keep her busy. I am hoping to get home to Fl for at least a week but that is not in place yet.

Working on making a difference. Going on and being the hands and feet of Jesus. Not sure why I have not made any attempt so far, but I am sure its pretty much due to laziness. I find it funny because reading LM her Bible story book every night is reminding me about what I have and what I need to be. So lots going on in my mind right now. Work is busy. Lots and lots of kids in the hospital these days, a lot are accidents.  We are seeing a lot of normal kid accidents but a lot are on trampolines, even the ones with with the screens..UGH!! So much stuff out there, it is crazy!!! 

Just read this, what a boring post!! Sorry!

I am feeling like Forrest Gump these days. You know when he says "I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is".  He knew how to love, to show love. He was a simple guy, not requiring a lot of attention. I need something to snap me  into the loving everyone thing. I just desire to live a life of love. I want to stop getting frustrated, impatient and judgemental and see everyone as equal. I want to be able to offer hope to my neighbor. I can state that I doubt most people see God through me when I am getting in one of my moods. My desire is to make conscious decisions with my attitude.  I swear the other night I kept hearing a voice tell me "Choose to love" while I was about to get impatient.  I love when  I hear that. It was a great reminder.

I am rereading the book of James  and maybe I will start blogging about that because that book is full of powerful words for my soul!!

Ugh! I really wanted to spend more time here but life has been as it usually is, just busy. It has been a really interesting few months. No major drama, just a lot of self awareness going on. Seeing things with new eyes, most of it involving a precious 4 year old that is AMAZING. I can almost understand why God says in order to get into the kingdom, you must be child like. I do not fully get it, but I can kind of understand. On that note, LynnMarie has a Bible story or 2 or 3 every night. I am loving it and getting ready to go through her Adventure Bible again. I am loving this time. I do not remember most of these stories growing up, or at least some of the details! I really think adults should have Sunday school classes like we did as kids, don't ya think?

Back on the weight loss wagon. AGAIN!  I have lost about 20 pounds this month doing the Weight Watcher thing. Apparently just going to meetings does not make you lose weight, you have to do the program as well. So far so good, and I have been back to the gym ONCE but plan on going tomorrow. I will let you know if that happens!!

I am still a nurse for CHOA, still working the night shift. 10 1/2 years and still going!!!!

love like Jesus

Spent the evening at amazing concert that sang the Bible from the beginning to the end with amazing videos to help capture the meaning. Awesome.

So a few months ago I talked about hearing a whisper from God at church. I spent a while trying to figure out what He was trying to say. Was it to let go of everything that's holding me back? career change? Well, since then I have decided to go back to school and start in Jan but at the same time, I am so afraid of what He was asking.

Here is what God is asking of me. Shake things up. Get out of the comfort zone! Could this be a mission trip? Maybe. Could be asking us to move or find another job? Perhaps. But at this moment, God is reminding me to love. Oh I know, I love. I love to love. I am a kind person, usually, if you don't tick me off. But here is the deal, I want to love the unlovable. Like, get close and love. This could be anything. This is more than donating money which I know can me an awesome thing. I'm at this concert watching a video of what Gods love can look like. I am encouraged . I am hopeful. I want my child to learn by example. I want to love without excuses. To put others first. So this week, I am going to start my new resolutions. Going to make a list of places that I may be able to volunteer. If anyone has any idea, please let me know. I am going to check out MUST ministries but I really want help more than that. Let's see where this takes me. I have to remember what I was created for. I dont think I was created to be comfortable.Time to shake things up