I have got issues. Yes, I am aware that everyone has issues but for me, all of mine are on my sleeve. I hate that. I know that I have some really odd personality quirks. But what you do not know is that I am aware of them, and there is probably a reason for them.
Weight- yep, have an issue with that. Didn't notice? You LIE! HA! I remember someone telling me when I was little and skinny that some people make fun of themselves before others get the chance. I think this is where my sarcasm starting coming into play. Yes, I hate being fat. Yes, I want to change but just can't get past the first 20 pounds. I so very wish I had a life coach for this area of my life because I am truly letting so many down with not living a healthier lifestyle.
Self- I do not know even to know where to start with this. One of my biggest issues is envy or jealousy. Not of material things, but of lifestyle changes. I think this has made me want more. There are so many friends who live as they are called to. I know they are not perfect, but dang they obey publicly and I love love love it. I want to be like all of these friends. They are the kind of friends you just want to get to know better but you just dont know how. You just dont feel comfortable because although you know they are not better than you, you still feel that and do not want to screw something up in front of them, I really really wish I were not like that, because I feel like I am missing some good relationships simply based on fear. I have a fear of sharing too much information because I fear if they know they real me, they will throw that relationship away. Yet, I want to share and I want people to get to me because I have not let that happen that often. If you are still reading this, you get points.HAHA!
So there are times, when I am blunt or sarcastic and seem to be being ugly. Lets be honest, there are a few time when that perception is correct. I can have a temper but I am usually hiding behind something thats going in. So please do not think I am being ugly.I just have issues. I am 37 years old and feel like I am in high school sometimes, still trying to impress people. Trying to impress coworkers, friends and people in church. I am working this and finding out who I really am. I mean, I know who I am but Iam trying to show the rest of the world who I am. But that leads me to the next section.
I do not want to care about what the rest of the world thinks. I know you have heard this before. But I feel like I am on a diving board,getting ready to jump. Ready to jump into a new way of living.Afraid of jumping in but afraid to stay where I am especially when I know the jump will lead me to great things. Ready to live every moment glorifying God and doing what I need to do for Him. I want my words and actions to say Jesus to everyone around me. I want to wake up every morning wondering how I can make a difference or how I can impact someone else's life. I do not want it to be about me. I want a new mindset. I want to be able hear His words when I have a decision. I am not trying to be some super Christian, I just want to closer to my God who has already given me a miracle and blessed me beyond measure. Some of you do not understand this but I hope someday you will.
Alright, so this has got to be the most confusing post you have read.I am Amy, the one who is always happy and cheerful. Usually,that is correct. But I am so sick of trying to please everyone, trying to fit in and never feeling like I do. Sick of feeling left out, even though I know I know thats not the case. But I want to change how I percieve things. One of the things God has been whispering over and over is GO! I am still trying to process this as I process all of the other changes God is asking of me right now. To be completely honest and this may be the first time I have admitted this, my weight is holding me back from going to the places He has called me to go. I hate that. I hate that my weaknesses have caused me to fear and not step forward.
So if you are chatting with my on FB or see me at work or church, call me out on anything. I need it. I need accountability. I am very thankful for my sweet husband who has learned to be kind when holding me accountable.
I am not sure how long this post will stay up but feel to comment. This is not to be a poor Amy post, but a post as I begin a new way of thinking. I will be a long process and a slow process and I have no idea how to get to each step but man, thankful I had the guts to put this out here..
Thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!