Monday, October 8, 2012

The one where Amy tells all

I have got issues. Yes, I am aware that everyone has issues but for me, all of mine are on my sleeve. I hate that. I know that I have some really odd personality quirks. But what you do not know is that I am aware of them, and there is probably a reason for them.

Weight- yep, have an issue with that. Didn't notice? You LIE! HA! I remember someone telling me when I was little and skinny that some people make fun of themselves before others get the chance. I think this is where my sarcasm starting coming into play. Yes, I hate being fat. Yes, I want to change but just can't get past the first 20 pounds. I so very wish I had a life coach for this area of my life because I am truly letting so many down with not living a healthier lifestyle. 

Self- I do not know even to know where to start with this. One of my biggest issues is envy or jealousy. Not of material things, but of lifestyle changes. I think this has made me want more. There are so many friends who live as they are called to. I know they are not perfect, but dang they obey publicly and I love love love it.  I want to be like all of these friends. They are the kind of friends you just want to get to know better but you just dont know how. You just dont feel comfortable because although you know  they are not better than you, you still feel that and do not want to screw something up in front of them, I really really wish I were not like that, because I feel like I am missing some good relationships simply based on fear. I have a fear of sharing too much  information because I fear if they know they real me, they will throw that relationship away. Yet, I want to share and I want people to get to me because I have not let that happen that often. If you are still reading this, you get points.HAHA! 

So there are times, when I am blunt or sarcastic and seem to be being ugly. Lets be honest, there are a few time when that perception is correct. I can have a temper but I am usually hiding behind something thats going in. So please do not think I am being ugly.I just have issues. I am 37 years old and feel like I am in high school sometimes, still trying to impress people. Trying to impress coworkers, friends and people in church. I am working this and finding out who I really am. I mean, I know who I am but Iam trying to show the rest of the world who I am. But that leads me to the next section.

I do not want to care about what the rest of the world thinks.  I know you have heard this before. But I feel like I am on a diving board,getting ready to jump. Ready to jump into a new way of living.Afraid of jumping in but afraid to stay where I am especially when I know the jump will lead me to great things. Ready to live every moment glorifying God and doing what I need to do for Him. I  want my words and actions to say Jesus to everyone around me. I want to wake up every morning wondering how I can make a difference or how I can impact someone else's life. I do not want it to be about me. I want a new mindset. I want to be able hear His words when I have a decision. I am not trying to be some super Christian, I just want to closer to my God who has already given me a miracle and blessed me beyond measure. Some of you do not understand this but I hope someday you will.

Alright, so this has got to be the most confusing post you have read.I am Amy, the one who is always happy and cheerful. Usually,that is correct. But I am so sick of trying to please everyone, trying to fit in and never feeling like I do. Sick of feeling left out, even though I know I know thats not the case. But I want to change how I percieve things. One of the things God has been whispering over and over is GO!  I am still trying to process this as I process all of the other changes God is asking of me right now. To be completely honest and this may be the first time I have admitted this, my weight is holding me back from going to the places He has called me to go. I hate that. I hate that my weaknesses have caused me to fear and not step forward. 

So if you are chatting with my on FB or see me at work or church, call me out on anything. I need it. I need accountability. I am very thankful for my sweet husband who has learned to be kind when holding me accountable. 

I am not sure how long this post will stay up but feel to comment. This is not to be a poor Amy post, but a post as I begin a new way of thinking. I will be a long process and a slow process and I have no idea how to get to each step but man, thankful I had the guts to put this out here..

Thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!



  1. I believe in you. And I think you're one of the coolest people I know.
    Now. Go out and do.

  2. Sweet Amy,
    I could have written this post! I feel the exact same way on every point except the part where you try to act happy almost all the time. I don't go there, it's too exhausting. I am who I am (slightly melancholy) and if you don't like it, move on. :-) Hang in there and keep trying. Even when we don't feel like it, we are growing as long as we keep trying and don't give up! (((HUGS)))

  3. "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." I know it's a cliche, but it's true. :)
    And the irony is, in talking about how you want to live your life using your words and actions glorifying God, just by doing that - by being a person who strives for that earnestly - you have served as an inspiration to me and others. You go, girlie. :)

    1. I want to hang out with you more, I think I could learn a lot from you!!

  4. This is your fb friend Rachel, I like this honesty and relate! I think i also criticize myself before others do, and though I know it isnt accurate or healthy, sometimes its just too easy to continue it. I just picked up a book about self esteem and race which I was surprised at how much I empathized with. I dont know if it helps, but this part was inspiring to me, "the six pillars of self esteem: personal integrity, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertion, living consciously, and living purposefully. WIthout self-esteem people begin to lose their sense of agncy. They feel powerless. They feel they can only be victims. The need for self-esteem never goes away. And it is never too late for us to acquire teh healthy self-esteem that is needed if we are to have fulfilling lives." Bell Hooks

    1. Thanks friend, I am still not sure which fb friend it is though...I have 3 Rachel friends!

  5. Amy, this is Lee Anne. This is the most honest I think you've ever been. Isn't it freeing to let it all out? You know, I read a blog post several months ago that was written along the same lines as yours. The writer talked about how she was always on different websites like pinterest and individual ladies' blogs that showed pictures of what 'perfect' looks like. She would save all the pictures of things she wanted to do with her home or things she wanted to make with her children. She wrote about how overwhelming it became and how inadequate it made her feel.

    I am guilty of the same sorts of things. I think we all want to be good wives and mothers. But, do you know what we are called to do? We must love Christ and everything else will follow. Does that mean that your floor will always be clean enough to eat off of or that your laundry will be washed, dried, folded and put away every day? Does it mean that dinner will be waiting for your husband when he gets home from work? No. Of course all of these things are good things, but they are not required for you to be a good wife, mother, or Christian. When you love Christ, that love flows into your other relationships.

    I don't know anything about your church, but I'd like to tell you a little about mine. When I first started visiting, my pastor's wife (who was also a college friend of mine) told me that she really wanted to know my heart and not just "the surface stuff" that keeps people from getting to know the real you. I would like to encourage you to find people who want to get to know the real you - and then let them. Trust God to bring these people into your life and then trust the people to love you. It's hard, I know.

    I hope you know that I love you, I have always loved you, even when you tried to keep everyone at arm's length. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. You are made in the image of Christ. Don't forget that.

    1. Here is the post on "Competitive Mothering".

  6. Love and appreciate your authenticity, Amy. We all struggle with self-image, messy emotions and wanting to fit in. The Lord just wants us to be who He made us to be. Loved seeing you do this, by blogging YOU!