Problems

So can someone explain to me why in the word I am having such a hard time as soon I start getting back in the word an getting real with God. This is another reason this blog is private..Some things just don't belong on facebook.

I screwed up this week, BIG TIME. Nothing illegal, but yours truly disappointed and hurt someone with my actions. It was not intentional. By trying to protect myself, I hurt someone. I didn't even think about it. I just did it. This coworker said I threw her under the bus by my words. My spirit has been broken and I don't know if she will forgive me. I verbally apologized and gave a written one. Humbled at how she shared her feelings but man, I didn't even think about it while I did it. Why? Why in the heck did I do this? Trying to be cool in front of someone that I don't even care about? Not that I don't care, this just wasn't a friend? I tried to solve a problem that I didn't really have to.

I really ruined any trust this person has with me. Oh I have prayed about it, prayed for peace, publically apologized but its going to be a long time before our relationship is anywhere where it was.
Thankful for a God who forgives.

I am rereading Crazy Love again and here is one thing I read

Worry implies that we dont quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of whats happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our importance, our lack of grace toward others, or our grip of control.

Right now, I am letting my problems consume instead of my God consuming me. I have to get back on track!! Any input would be greatly appreciated. I truly hate hurting people especially when I have no idea how badly I have hurt them or how mad they have gotten!

UGH!

my mind is wandering

Do you just ever question things? I mean question with no confidence at all? I am a believer but tonight has been another night that has got me wondering, thinking things that I do not want to think about. Tonight, I sat with a 7 year old little girl, while her parents were outside the room hearing a doctor tell them she has a brain tumor with a very poor diagnosis. What do you say to this mom? Whats going through her mind? I am standing outside of the room, where mom is crying, wants to be alone, and wants the lights off. I am giving her time to process.

This sweet pea is so wonderful, a great conversationalist and guess what? internationally adopted. I started my shift talking about adoption and life and 2 hours later hearing mom asking me questions about cancer and tumors. The parents are overwhelmed, the child rests with no cares int he world.

I just don't get it. I fully believe Romans 8;28 when the Bible says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This has nothing to do with my career, just a human who has questions and seems to dwell on the emotional side of things. I know that God has brought good, no great things out of what us earthly souls call pretty crappy things. I watched a 2 year old die of a brain tumor, and then 2 years later met that 2 year olds aunt in an adoption support system. I have met wonderful friends through these moments. I have learned to cherish precious moments, moments that you and I would easily ignore. I have seen these children touch thousands of lives during diagnosis, treatment and during the most difficult times. I just wonder. I have to hold on the the faith that God is able, that God is a bigger God than I can even imagine and that he knows every grain of sand.

Our God is an awesome God!

Meet Me in the Stairwell

You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news on September 11th, 2001.

Neither will I...

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say "Good-bye." I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, "Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK...I am ready to go."

I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. "I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!" I said. "Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now."

I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them.

I was in Texas, Kansas, London. I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me...Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor.

Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; "Come to Me...this way...take my hand."

Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me?

September 11th, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you.

But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are "ready to go."

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

Remember: I love you…
God

Written by: Stacey Randall

random post

I love Greys Anatomy I am very much looking forward to the season premier. I know I know, thats wrong. But I really enjoy the show. I confess, I love all of it. The medical part, the romance, Dr.McDreamy. My husband knows that. Is that bad? I also love to read. Most of the books I read are Christian fiction. I do not read the Bible nearly as much as I do other books. We are supposed to fill or lives with Godly things, and yet I don't.

Anyone else fill guilty about this? I can fill my mind with this garbage but I don't want my sweet girl to.

One of the first things that made think WOW in this book was simply why do people ask why there are starving people in Africa when God should be asking us the same question. I may have misquoted that but thats what I got out of it!

Why are there so many hurting people? Why are there so many who are hungry, so many who are dying from diseases around the world that we are immunized for? Why are we not helping like we should? Its really not that simple or is it? Did God create us to help one another, did he create us for community regardless if that community is local or global?

Why am I not helping more? Fear of being uncomfortable or is it as simple as being lazy? I am sooo afraid of living in a more simple lifestyle yet I want my daughter to see that. UGH. SO many friends have stepped of their comfort zones. I even have a facebook friend who is moving to Uganda. That is big. That is a complete lifestyle change.

Why are we not helping. If we all gave 10 dollars at one time to help one village or one community, can you imagine the change we could bring?

My mind can not comprehend that loneliness, the pain, the hunger, the despair that most of us will never experience.

I fully believe that God did not create us to be comfortable.

Prayer and more prayer

So driving to work today I decided to do something different. I cut off Star 94, actually I cut off the radio so I could chat with God. Out Loud. It was well, odd at first. I'm trying to be honest. So I talked, attempted to listened and finished my pre prayer work. Ended and turned the radio on and I honestly heard in my mind, "Is that all ya got?"? Ouch. I didn't even hesitate to turn the radio off and get a little deeper with God! Yeah God

So I get to work and part of my prayer was to help something. Not just a patient or family but to really help someone. Got to work, all was well, and as I was getting a drink, my phone rang. A random nurse from another floor called and asked me a computer problem. NO ONE calls me for computer problems. But I smiled and said I will be right up. Got to chat with friends and we figured out the problem.

Walking back, a lady asked me where the sleep lab was. I walked her over and said they will be right with you. The room was dark and they looked a bit nervous. I have never been in there but I looked around and found a number to call. Got the info they needed and got them settled in by showing them around and turning on the TV.

All I can say is Yeah God!

Prayer

So I am doing well with the changes I want. Its not that I am doing anything bad, its just that I am doing anything. Ugh.
I have a few daily goals

1) That my mind will be focused on eternal things and what I can do to help further the kingdom. Which means having to train my mind to get off of my daily silly things like facebook time, tv time, etc. What can I do today?
2) Attempt to make a difference in someones life. Whether its a smile, asking a stranger if they need help or going out of my way to help are just a few things
3) Change in prayer habits. One of the worst things I can do is tell you that I am praying for you and not actually doing it or doing the simple prayer of God please take care of my friends, AMEN! What a gift we have to have deep conversation with out Creator and we don't take advantage of it. I mean, really really talking to him. Not hiding anything, He already knows your thoughts, he just wants to communicate with you!

Getting back to the basics

So today we started our small group Bible Studies at church. Now this year is different as we are meeting as a large group with praise and worship before getting into small group discussions.

At our church, we typically do the contemporary praise stuff including Chris Tomlin, and other Passion singers. Today, one of our teaching pastors led music with his wife and his guitar ( had no idea he could play) and led us in some old school singing using scripture as lyrics. I loved it. We sand This is the Day and Rejoice in the Lord Always.

So then we got to watch our first video which was done by Kay Arthur. Don't judge, I'm usually not a fan of Kay Arthur! Why? She scares the heck out of me! But today, she talked about getting back into the Bible. Everyone around me was talking about getting back in the word. Love Love Love it!

So this week I have homework and will get back to Bible Study next week with my new friends, which was another surprise as I am getting to see my friend Susan every week. Susan was instrumental in our adoption. In fact, the lady sitting beside me adopted 2 girls from Korea 30 years ago! So lots of adoption talk in our group today. I am very excited where he will take this group!!!