So this week, facebook has caused me issues again. I think that one of my favorite people removed one my posts which made me sad because I did not mean anything by it, just simply said I was jealous that I wish I had more time to spend at home making memories with my girl. Sad she may have taken it the wrong way as I really am jealous of so many things on facebook. What many people think of as sharing their blessings on facebook, I sometimes perceive it as bragging which when I think about it, is really not the case. I wish I did not think like this
It is such a crappy emotion. It robs me of so much joy when I let it take over my life. I have experienced jealousy on so many levels and have only dealt with it in a healthy ways a few times. I have talked about it at times that although I think it will always be a schedule.
Working in a pediatric hospital does not make not getting pregnany any easier, especially when you are surrounded by people who seem to be getting pregnant every other year. Then you get those parents who were not trying to have a baby but they still managed to get pregnant. Let me completely honest, I love celebrating with these people. I do, I love that they share their stories and babies with me but jealousy does not go away just because you are happy. I fought God with his for a long time and missed out on some good quality time with God, sulking about what I did not have. But then we let go and let God work our hearts getting ready for adoption. It was a long, slow, beautiful process but I would not change for the world. I look back now and treasure each step of that process.
I can not imagine my life without adoption. I look back now at those times when jealousy clouded my mind that's what it did, clouded all of my joy. I hate that I wasted all that time.
So now, jealous has crept back in and I am fighting it hard. At one point I deactivated my fb account to avoid even dealing with it. Ok, I warned you about this post. I hide a lot of my jealous but I think those that know me well, know when it flares up and I say things I should not. So if you are one of those, I apologize. I am working on getting my heart checked and trying to love like Jesus. So there it is. One more of my struggles. One that God is working on and has shown me how He can help me overcome my issues. So pray for me,I will share what God does with and through me.