Its 2 days before Christmas and my heart is all mixed up with emotions. I do not know where to start. Work has been busy, its been the week that everyone has talked about the Mayans and I still do feel like I am living the life God created me to be simply because I am so stinking lazy. I am stuck at work, waiting for more energy and I am lacking a lot in the interpersonal relationship department. All of these things I plan on working on.
I was able to worship today for the second week in a row. Loved it, needed it and got more out of it than I expected. I sat behind two sweet little girls and some good friends. I never want to hear anyone doubt that a 4yo can worship because they one I saw had me in tears. No drama but her sweet hands were raised during one of the songs. She wasn't copying anyone, and she did not know all the words but you can tell she was singing to her Heavenly Father. I love it when God uses a little child to put things into perspective. My daughter has had me in tears all week. I would love to blame it on sleep deprivation or hormones but I think God is continuously whispering to me. I look at my daughter and thing of the families in Newtown, Ct. I wonder how they families felt when they dropped their kids off at school and had no idea they would never see them again. My heart aches for all of them. Those 20 children have impacted a nation. I love reading scripture about how God loved the little children. I think about the sweet little girls I watched today, and I sat and cuddlebugged my daughter this evening. Then I think about the doctors appointment LynnMarie and I had today for a few hours. I was asked to share what I know about her infancy. People, I cried the WHOLE time. I shared what I know and she was amazed and teared up as well. Not tears of sadness, but happy tears that I have gotten to see God work in LynnMarie's sweet life all around the world. I am amazed that we get to experience her story.
So, let me admit something. Please do not judge. I do not think the Mayans had anything one is. I do believe scripture when it says no man knows when He is coming back. But for a moment, I was a bit nervous. Not because the world was going to end, but because I have not lived the life I was created for. Many Christian friends have made joke after joke about the Mayans, and I find very few of them funny. And although I do not believe in that whole theory, I have been thinking about how I live my life. What words I use, what actions and I do and what kind of witness I am. I am thankful for these feelings but scared to death because I have no idea where to start.
I have got to watch my sense of humor. I need to have substance in my conversations. I need to quit waiting for people to invite me to things and start doing the inviting and I need to quit worry about what others think of me.Yep, I know you have all heard these before but I am hoping if I type the words then I will prompt myself to change. I was told by someone the other day that I need to loosen up and soften my heart. Well, that sure got me all paranoid. Apparently I give off that vibe to some people...oops, I had no idea.
So, I am going to try to find 24 hours of nothing but me and God soon. I need some quiet time and I need to listen. Because I think each one of us has the ability to make such an impact on this world. Its not the impact I am interested in, its living the life so that all someone sees is Christ through me. I have many people I look up to who are living this life and I am hoping to spend some quality time with these people soon.
So, this Christmas as we celebrate the birth of that tiny little baby, I am going to remember what an impact that baby had on my life.
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Sunday, December 23, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Life lessons from Walmart
Today, my sweet girl and I got up early but not too early to hit some stores. No big crowds and we did find a few things but I have to tell you, this year, the desire to buy and have is just not there. I wonder how many people actually wait hours and hours to get the item they want? Not that I am judging, I am just wondering. Anyway, we did Michaels, Family Christian, Target and then Walmart. We assumed Walmart would be crazy at 930 but it was not and we even got a front row space.
So, as we walk in, I see a sweet lady looking around and noticed she looked uncomfortable. I have a big mouth so I said, You are brave wearing those high heels. She then told me she was trying to find her ride, as she and a few others were going to a coworkers funeral. Someone they had worked with for years and will be greatly missed. She was obviously sad, had things on her mind and I asked her if I could help. She politely said no thank you and said her ride was on her way. As we left, she was the first person to wish us a Merry Christmas this season.
So as we shopped, dreamed and giggled, we passed a lot of advertised deals. I saw a lady looking a freestanding display of large tv's. I recognized that one because I had searched and searched last night for a new tv. I saw it a bit cheaper so I thought I would let her know. I asked her if she was thinking about that one, and she said no and scurried over to the other side of the aisle. The lady had a limp and as far as I kind tell, had cerebral palsy, and was nervous. She then muttered thank you to us and kept walking. My sweet LM who is learning to be respectful of others difference asked where the kind lady was going. I explained the lady was going to keep shopping like us. But my daughter heard her kind voice and not her physical differences.
On our way home from Walmart, we stopped at a 4 way stop and saw a homeless man sitting on the corner with a sign. So here I am, gifts in the back, money in my hand and a man in need to my right. We rolled down the window and gave the man the money we had. He came over and thanked us. This man was obviously physically not able to move quickly and we told him to take his time, but as I handed him the money we got honked at by the car behind us. He pulled around and yelled something but I have no idea what it was. I just know that there was a man in need and I had cash in my hand and it was obvious what I needed to do. I have no idea what the man will do with his money, but that's not my concern. I have to continue to remember that we have to care, we have to go out of our comfort zone to help others.
Anyway, it was not our ordinary trip to Walmart. But I learned of 3 new people, with 3 different stories. We have got to get out of the little box we live in. I have so much to learn!~
So, as we walk in, I see a sweet lady looking around and noticed she looked uncomfortable. I have a big mouth so I said, You are brave wearing those high heels. She then told me she was trying to find her ride, as she and a few others were going to a coworkers funeral. Someone they had worked with for years and will be greatly missed. She was obviously sad, had things on her mind and I asked her if I could help. She politely said no thank you and said her ride was on her way. As we left, she was the first person to wish us a Merry Christmas this season.
So as we shopped, dreamed and giggled, we passed a lot of advertised deals. I saw a lady looking a freestanding display of large tv's. I recognized that one because I had searched and searched last night for a new tv. I saw it a bit cheaper so I thought I would let her know. I asked her if she was thinking about that one, and she said no and scurried over to the other side of the aisle. The lady had a limp and as far as I kind tell, had cerebral palsy, and was nervous. She then muttered thank you to us and kept walking. My sweet LM who is learning to be respectful of others difference asked where the kind lady was going. I explained the lady was going to keep shopping like us. But my daughter heard her kind voice and not her physical differences.
On our way home from Walmart, we stopped at a 4 way stop and saw a homeless man sitting on the corner with a sign. So here I am, gifts in the back, money in my hand and a man in need to my right. We rolled down the window and gave the man the money we had. He came over and thanked us. This man was obviously physically not able to move quickly and we told him to take his time, but as I handed him the money we got honked at by the car behind us. He pulled around and yelled something but I have no idea what it was. I just know that there was a man in need and I had cash in my hand and it was obvious what I needed to do. I have no idea what the man will do with his money, but that's not my concern. I have to continue to remember that we have to care, we have to go out of our comfort zone to help others.
Anyway, it was not our ordinary trip to Walmart. But I learned of 3 new people, with 3 different stories. We have got to get out of the little box we live in. I have so much to learn!~
Friday, November 16, 2012
Blessed
51. clean air
52. clean water
53. the ability to make my house warm or cold. Some do not even have the option
54. the ability to give ( we have the ability, not sure why we do not do it more)
55. the opportunity to continue my education
56. Friends who are not afraid to be honest but can be kind at the same time
57. Hallmark Christmas movies
58. forgiveness from my husband and others
59. Fall candles
60. Friends who live their faith, which motivates me
61. The road that led to adoption
62. infertility- who would ever be thankful for that? Look at what I got instead
62. The sweet words of my little girl and the lessons she is learning
63. Coworkers of almost 11 years who still talk to me- HA!
64. College memories- I had amazing friends and roomies I still communicate with
65. Mistakes- I do not like to make them, but I sure appreciate learning from them
66. Wednesday morning Bible Study- the ability to hear from others and learn from the Word is awesome
67. Encouraging words
68. My sister
69. The changing of seasons
Monday, November 12, 2012
Jealousy
So this week, facebook has caused me issues again. I think that one of my favorite people removed one my posts which made me sad because I did not mean anything by it, just simply said I was jealous that I wish I had more time to spend at home making memories with my girl. Sad she may have taken it the wrong way as I really am jealous of so many things on facebook. What many people think of as sharing their blessings on facebook, I sometimes perceive it as bragging which when I think about it, is really not the case. I wish I did not think like this
It is such a crappy emotion. It robs me of so much joy when I let it take over my life. I have experienced jealousy on so many levels and have only dealt with it in a healthy ways a few times. I have talked about it at times that although I think it will always be a schedule.
Working in a pediatric hospital does not make not getting pregnany any easier, especially when you are surrounded by people who seem to be getting pregnant every other year. Then you get those parents who were not trying to have a baby but they still managed to get pregnant. Let me completely honest, I love celebrating with these people. I do, I love that they share their stories and babies with me but jealousy does not go away just because you are happy. I fought God with his for a long time and missed out on some good quality time with God, sulking about what I did not have. But then we let go and let God work our hearts getting ready for adoption. It was a long, slow, beautiful process but I would not change for the world. I look back now and treasure each step of that process.
I can not imagine my life without adoption. I look back now at those times when jealousy clouded my mind that's what it did, clouded all of my joy. I hate that I wasted all that time.
So now, jealous has crept back in and I am fighting it hard. At one point I deactivated my fb account to avoid even dealing with it. Ok, I warned you about this post. I hide a lot of my jealous but I think those that know me well, know when it flares up and I say things I should not. So if you are one of those, I apologize. I am working on getting my heart checked and trying to love like Jesus. So there it is. One more of my struggles. One that God is working on and has shown me how He can help me overcome my issues. So pray for me,I will share what God does with and through me.
It is such a crappy emotion. It robs me of so much joy when I let it take over my life. I have experienced jealousy on so many levels and have only dealt with it in a healthy ways a few times. I have talked about it at times that although I think it will always be a schedule.
Working in a pediatric hospital does not make not getting pregnany any easier, especially when you are surrounded by people who seem to be getting pregnant every other year. Then you get those parents who were not trying to have a baby but they still managed to get pregnant. Let me completely honest, I love celebrating with these people. I do, I love that they share their stories and babies with me but jealousy does not go away just because you are happy. I fought God with his for a long time and missed out on some good quality time with God, sulking about what I did not have. But then we let go and let God work our hearts getting ready for adoption. It was a long, slow, beautiful process but I would not change for the world. I look back now and treasure each step of that process.
I can not imagine my life without adoption. I look back now at those times when jealousy clouded my mind that's what it did, clouded all of my joy. I hate that I wasted all that time.
So now, jealous has crept back in and I am fighting it hard. At one point I deactivated my fb account to avoid even dealing with it. Ok, I warned you about this post. I hide a lot of my jealous but I think those that know me well, know when it flares up and I say things I should not. So if you are one of those, I apologize. I am working on getting my heart checked and trying to love like Jesus. So there it is. One more of my struggles. One that God is working on and has shown me how He can help me overcome my issues. So pray for me,I will share what God does with and through me.
42. I am thankful for every person who has chosen a career in the military, law enforcement, fighting fighters or anything that risks their lives to protect and serve others. I am not sure why people choose these careers over having what many call a normal life, but I sure am thankful for all of them
42. Coke zero
43. Friends who are not afraid to speak the truth even when its hard to hear
44. Friends who live to serve and look for ways to serve others and include me
45.the ability to adopt
46. My daughter who has a story that changed my life
47. Simple nights where we spend time as a family at home
48. The Christmas season is around the corner
49. the ability to experience God through His word- what a gift
50. Random hugs from friends who still love my oddness
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
the Election, the day after and other normal random things
I am so sad for our country, the world we live in. Not because Pres. Obama was re-elected and yes that disappoints me, but the reactions over the past 24 hours. Sad, because I did not think before I typed words and what I said came across the wrong way. I deleted it but was so worried about it, I thought a friend was calling me out on it ( and I realize he wasn't I just get that worried about what people think about me). So anyway, I love that I have so many friends who speak openly about their faith. I am sad that so many were almost hurtful in sharing their views today. I really did not expect to read all that I did, not did I expect to participate.Just because someone voted differently than you does not mean they share all the views and values of the other candidate. There was a lot of judging going around today. Social networking was a not a safe, happy place.
But as much I am sad with our leadership, I am excited that we can pray and pray hard for our leadership. We can get on our knees and share how we feel with our Creator who knew what this election held way before we were even born and that makes me feel better.
Next topic,
Please tell your kids when they exclude playmates intentionally in front of them, it hurts them and is not kind and it puts this momma in a not so happy place where she does not know what to do with those feelings. I have also learning, being excluded as an adult feels the same way even if you are being paranoid and it may not even be accurate.
Still having issues with comparing myself to others. This time it has to do with mommahood. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that I am really not good at coordinating clothes for little girls. If you are laughing, stop. Yep, I can do jeans and sweaters or outfits that already come together, but that's about it. I see the girls at church and school and they are dolled up to a tee. I am so very jealous. The really cute clothes that come from special places, the hair bows that match the socks!...Ugh I want my girl to experience that. Then I read what I just typed and realize how incredibly shallow I sound. I really do not want her growing up and wondering why her momma did not do better. I sure did not read parenting books about feelings like this.
Last point,
Our Season of giving. We are really focusing on giving this year. Sweet girl has helped me buys shoebox gifts and we have started buying extra when we are at Publix. Next week we are going to buy extra diapers and wipes for a local community and also do some baking and take it to the local fire station. But we are always looking for new ideas. Please let me know if you do things like this as well!
But as much I am sad with our leadership, I am excited that we can pray and pray hard for our leadership. We can get on our knees and share how we feel with our Creator who knew what this election held way before we were even born and that makes me feel better.
Next topic,
Please tell your kids when they exclude playmates intentionally in front of them, it hurts them and is not kind and it puts this momma in a not so happy place where she does not know what to do with those feelings. I have also learning, being excluded as an adult feels the same way even if you are being paranoid and it may not even be accurate.
Still having issues with comparing myself to others. This time it has to do with mommahood. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that I am really not good at coordinating clothes for little girls. If you are laughing, stop. Yep, I can do jeans and sweaters or outfits that already come together, but that's about it. I see the girls at church and school and they are dolled up to a tee. I am so very jealous. The really cute clothes that come from special places, the hair bows that match the socks!...Ugh I want my girl to experience that. Then I read what I just typed and realize how incredibly shallow I sound. I really do not want her growing up and wondering why her momma did not do better. I sure did not read parenting books about feelings like this.
Last point,
Our Season of giving. We are really focusing on giving this year. Sweet girl has helped me buys shoebox gifts and we have started buying extra when we are at Publix. Next week we are going to buy extra diapers and wipes for a local community and also do some baking and take it to the local fire station. But we are always looking for new ideas. Please let me know if you do things like this as well!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Loving today. Nothing special happened, just having a good day. Lots of thoughts running in my mind. Walked around the mall today, did some people watching and listened to the Christmas music playing. I am so excited that it was playing. I am so excited about this season. I am going to be honest, I love the cheesy stuff. Silly movies and such but this season, I am going to try to change things up for the Christopher family. Going to try to give more than receive. I love Christmas and I love gifts but as I get older, its the things around it that makes it so special. My daughter will understand more of the real Christmas story this year, and I can not wait to share the importance of it with her.
We are going to do Operation Christmas Child this year, loading up our 4 boxes tomorrow. We are going to spend some time talking about orphans, helping people and thinking outside of ourselves. I hope that we can donate to Must ministries and plan on buying a little extra each trip to Publix. Do you have any ideas on how I can teach my sweet girl to help others?
My heart aches for those still sleeping in the dark and in the cold. I'm sad to think of the mom who lost her two boys in the storm. So much hurt and sadness out there. I feel sad to be comfortable these days. I do not think that we appreciate the simple things we have, things that sooo many would fight for. I feel so happy these days and yet so guilty. Anyone else understand this? I go back and read my posts to make sure they do not just sound like fluff..
More to come
We are going to do Operation Christmas Child this year, loading up our 4 boxes tomorrow. We are going to spend some time talking about orphans, helping people and thinking outside of ourselves. I hope that we can donate to Must ministries and plan on buying a little extra each trip to Publix. Do you have any ideas on how I can teach my sweet girl to help others?
My heart aches for those still sleeping in the dark and in the cold. I'm sad to think of the mom who lost her two boys in the storm. So much hurt and sadness out there. I feel sad to be comfortable these days. I do not think that we appreciate the simple things we have, things that sooo many would fight for. I feel so happy these days and yet so guilty. Anyone else understand this? I go back and read my posts to make sure they do not just sound like fluff..
More to come
30. For Christmas music playing in the makk
31. The ability to make our own decision and the freedom to vote
32. Friends who have worked hard for a promotion and seeing them rewarded
33. Greys Anatomy on Netflix
34. silliness
35. clean water, fresh air and blue skies
36. surprise visits from an old friend
37. free vacuum cleaners at the car wash
38. compassion
39. Swallows Nest where LynnMarie spent her first year
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Thankful
21. Orphan Sunday- an opportunity to bring awareness to the church and the world of what we can do for those who can not help themselves. On that note, I am thankful there is a group at our church fighting for the fatherless. I love that they love
22.Diet Mountain Dew at 5:50 A.M
23.Joy that can only be found
24. Christmas music that always lifts my spirit
25.Christian songwriters- I love to hear someone singing what I am thinking
26. A sister who is as honest and as funny as they come. I wish she were closer
27. A brother who I love but do not get to see much
28. my vision- some live this life without it but thankful that I can see all that God created
29. My God is a God of details who works behind the scene. Seriously he does not have to prove Himself to me, but he chooses to.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Thankful
12. A job- a job that I have loved for 11 years.
13. Friends- I do not appreciated them enough, but for those who have stuck by me even when I feel I am off my rocker, I appreciate you
14. A car- enough said
15. the ability to laugh and giggle at silly things
16. Christmas music
17. The grace of God- I know that I do not deserve it!
18. Cool, fall weather on a bright blue sky kind of day
19. the ability to smell, see and touch. So many ways to experience the life He gave us
20. Opportunites to help- the ability to see there is more than the little box we live in
Thursday, November 1, 2012
1. My sweet husband and my sweet LynnMarie
2. The miracle of adoption, and friends, it is quite the miracle
3. Friends who have chose to love me despite my wackiness
4.The Bible- learning to love this more and more, thankful to have God speaking to me through His word
5. A job that I have had for 11 years that has taught me so much
6. Parents who love me and helped me reach my dream of being a pediatric nurse
7. Compassion
8. Rain- I have learned that not only is it needed but it makes everything more beautiful when its over
9. The Christmas season is upon us
10. Clean water- I am still amazed that we are blessed with this and there are sooo many who have never experienced it
11. I can't end with 10, that would be too normal. I am thankful for the teachers at my daughters school who love my girl.
2. The miracle of adoption, and friends, it is quite the miracle
3. Friends who have chose to love me despite my wackiness
4.The Bible- learning to love this more and more, thankful to have God speaking to me through His word
5. A job that I have had for 11 years that has taught me so much
6. Parents who love me and helped me reach my dream of being a pediatric nurse
7. Compassion
8. Rain- I have learned that not only is it needed but it makes everything more beautiful when its over
9. The Christmas season is upon us
10. Clean water- I am still amazed that we are blessed with this and there are sooo many who have never experienced it
11. I can't end with 10, that would be too normal. I am thankful for the teachers at my daughters school who love my girl.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Comfort zones and random thoughts
Looking to hear from someone who has stepped out of there comfort zone in an act of faith and realized it was a mistake! I can't seem to find anyone!
I am going through a phase where 2 parts of my life I feel need change. I am really hoping this is a phase because I have gone through this before but I am starting to wonder if I need to just go and make this change. In both places I have have felt comfortable and safe. In both places I have made wonderful friends and grown as a person. But for some reason, I do not feel like I belong in either place right now. Is it God nudging me to make a move or am I fighting Him, knowing he is providing opportunities to learn and love more.
Any suggestions?
I spent the weekend realizing just how hypocritical I am, how I have been for a long time. I hate that I do not love more, I hate that I choose sarcasm over kindness. I am sorry that I hide from getting closer to people. I hate that I hate the word hate and I have already used it 5 times. I hate that I have great conversations with God but scared to death to pray in a group setting. I hate that I judge. Even small ones, I judge. I hate being judged, even get paranoid about it but I have judged many by how they look, the words they use, who they vote for (sorry, just being honest), how they choose to spend their money, etc and then I realize I do all the same things those people do. I try not to but it happens.
I wonder why I have grown up learning and loving God's word. I wonder why my faith which determines how I behave and interact has somehow been put aside. I tend to care more about what those around me say is good and true and right instead of going to the Bible. Ugh!
For those who know me, for those who care about me, please forgive me!
I am going through a phase where 2 parts of my life I feel need change. I am really hoping this is a phase because I have gone through this before but I am starting to wonder if I need to just go and make this change. In both places I have have felt comfortable and safe. In both places I have made wonderful friends and grown as a person. But for some reason, I do not feel like I belong in either place right now. Is it God nudging me to make a move or am I fighting Him, knowing he is providing opportunities to learn and love more.
Any suggestions?
I spent the weekend realizing just how hypocritical I am, how I have been for a long time. I hate that I do not love more, I hate that I choose sarcasm over kindness. I am sorry that I hide from getting closer to people. I hate that I hate the word hate and I have already used it 5 times. I hate that I have great conversations with God but scared to death to pray in a group setting. I hate that I judge. Even small ones, I judge. I hate being judged, even get paranoid about it but I have judged many by how they look, the words they use, who they vote for (sorry, just being honest), how they choose to spend their money, etc and then I realize I do all the same things those people do. I try not to but it happens.
I wonder why I have grown up learning and loving God's word. I wonder why my faith which determines how I behave and interact has somehow been put aside. I tend to care more about what those around me say is good and true and right instead of going to the Bible. Ugh!
For those who know me, for those who care about me, please forgive me!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I am sooooo mentally overwhelmed with things that do not matter to most people. Its really annoying actually. I can be awake for 24 hours, and then lay down and everything hits me at once and I can not sleep.
Its been a crazy week but glad normal starts again tomorrow. I am not sure what normal is like, not sure if I ever really experienced normal, HA!
I have learned that you do not realize you have control issues until you lack it. Really, I mean it. I am a pretty laid back kind of gal, I am not a perfectionist and I thought I was easy to communicate with, but I have learned that all the communication issues I have are probably my fault. I do not like conflict, I avoid it at all costs. I avoid it before it begins. I have conversations where I predict how the other person will answer and I will change the entire course of a conversation to avoid any conversation. Most of you who know me well know this and if you didn't know this, you have a great advantage. HAHA! I do not think I have ever experienced a a conversation of conflict with out my heart rate going into the 150's
So as I sit here, going through a lot of mental stuff these days, I realize that I can not control things. Honestly, I have always know this. But I can not control how others perceive me, how they react to me, or anything about anyone. But I can control my choices, which a great friend reminded me the other day. So that is what I will focus on. I have begun each day in prayer that God will guide me in making wise decisions even in the smallest ones.
So, this was a random post about random stuff. A bit too tired now, but going to process things that have been on my heart. Going to pray about those who are about to get hit hard by a hurricane, pray for our presidential candidates and pray for those who are hurting tonight.
So yes, this is me. The real me. Still trying to figure out how to be me. Trying to learn to take a step into the unknown. Thankful for those who choose to love and believe in me!
Its been a crazy week but glad normal starts again tomorrow. I am not sure what normal is like, not sure if I ever really experienced normal, HA!
I have learned that you do not realize you have control issues until you lack it. Really, I mean it. I am a pretty laid back kind of gal, I am not a perfectionist and I thought I was easy to communicate with, but I have learned that all the communication issues I have are probably my fault. I do not like conflict, I avoid it at all costs. I avoid it before it begins. I have conversations where I predict how the other person will answer and I will change the entire course of a conversation to avoid any conversation. Most of you who know me well know this and if you didn't know this, you have a great advantage. HAHA! I do not think I have ever experienced a a conversation of conflict with out my heart rate going into the 150's
So as I sit here, going through a lot of mental stuff these days, I realize that I can not control things. Honestly, I have always know this. But I can not control how others perceive me, how they react to me, or anything about anyone. But I can control my choices, which a great friend reminded me the other day. So that is what I will focus on. I have begun each day in prayer that God will guide me in making wise decisions even in the smallest ones.
So, this was a random post about random stuff. A bit too tired now, but going to process things that have been on my heart. Going to pray about those who are about to get hit hard by a hurricane, pray for our presidential candidates and pray for those who are hurting tonight.
So yes, this is me. The real me. Still trying to figure out how to be me. Trying to learn to take a step into the unknown. Thankful for those who choose to love and believe in me!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Ah! What a crazy week! Lots of things going on, lots of listening, praying and no so much doing, although I did lose 6 pounds this week. I have been dwelling on some fb comments and blog comments this week. This is not necessarily bad, but it has gotten me thinking.
So, I am odd. I fully believe that God created me to be me, but sometimes I am just not normal.And I know that many of you will say but Amy thats why we love you, ugh. Here is an example. I love positive feedback, I love getting compliments, but not too many of them. Got my hair cut pretty short this week and soooo many people gave me compliments. I love that they love it, but it also means attention was on me, and I really am not comfortable in most situations where the attention is on me. Then there was the weight loss post on facebook that brought comments. I am so thankful that people posted happy thoughts but that also means 46 people read it and had me on their mind. I am not sure I can even explain why it makes me feel so weird. It is so nice to be encouraged, but its also odd to have attention on me. I figured out I have control issues at this point. Thats another issue.
Well that was issue #256, we have sooo many more to cover. I read a comment from a college roommate that said she loved me when I was keeping people arm lengths away. I knew I was doing that, and I realize I do that now. Want to know why? Because as much as I desire to share my heart with people, I do not trust that people want to hear it. That's it, simple. Now I have figured out I have trust issues. I just assume that once I get started sharing, I will get on people's nerves and annoy the heck out of them. I know I sound crazy, but this is so true and I know its keeping me from so many life moments. I desire to change, I just fear the process. I am sick of whining about God calling me to do things, and being afraid to take that step when everyone I know is just jumping in. Still jealous of those people.
Thankful God is not done with me yet!
So, I am odd. I fully believe that God created me to be me, but sometimes I am just not normal.And I know that many of you will say but Amy thats why we love you, ugh. Here is an example. I love positive feedback, I love getting compliments, but not too many of them. Got my hair cut pretty short this week and soooo many people gave me compliments. I love that they love it, but it also means attention was on me, and I really am not comfortable in most situations where the attention is on me. Then there was the weight loss post on facebook that brought comments. I am so thankful that people posted happy thoughts but that also means 46 people read it and had me on their mind. I am not sure I can even explain why it makes me feel so weird. It is so nice to be encouraged, but its also odd to have attention on me. I figured out I have control issues at this point. Thats another issue.
Well that was issue #256, we have sooo many more to cover. I read a comment from a college roommate that said she loved me when I was keeping people arm lengths away. I knew I was doing that, and I realize I do that now. Want to know why? Because as much as I desire to share my heart with people, I do not trust that people want to hear it. That's it, simple. Now I have figured out I have trust issues. I just assume that once I get started sharing, I will get on people's nerves and annoy the heck out of them. I know I sound crazy, but this is so true and I know its keeping me from so many life moments. I desire to change, I just fear the process. I am sick of whining about God calling me to do things, and being afraid to take that step when everyone I know is just jumping in. Still jealous of those people.
Thankful God is not done with me yet!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Struggling
Made it to my first weight watchers meeting in a long time. So here is how it works. For the past few years, I go to a WW meeting with my friend Donna. I leave Bible Study a few minutes early, we go and weigh in and then we head over to lunch for some yummy Mexican food and fellowship. Before you go all crazy on me, fat people have to eat too. I am just saying.. So we have figured out a lunch that is pretty low in points and we skip all the cheese and sour cream and such. OK, so when I order the queso, that is a bad choice, but just remember everyone, even fat people, get treats as well. I am just saying. Anywho, the weight in was not as bad as I expected and I have some hope! My leader has lost an amazing amount of weight!
So before Bible study, without doing the homework. I felt sooo guilty but I just could not get it done with our anniversary trip and school work. I went anyway. I am doing the Breaking Free study with some awesome gals who have been sharing some of their history, their stories and prayer requests. Can I tell you how much I want to be like those people? Now I have to tell you, and I know she is going to read this but my amazingly, awesome, wonderful, encouraging Bible study leader called me out on Wed and told people to come over and read my blog and then I said something I shouldn't have. It was meant to be funny but I said it out of fear and surprise and had to go and apologize to her. Because of guilt. Strike one.
I have spent hours upon hours thinking of my issues and how many I have brought on myself. It stinks that these issues stay in my brain for so long.
There are many encouraging verses out there that have been popping in my head lately. I am working on gettings one more in my head because it really does help when I can just quote them. Sounds silly since I have been a Christian for so long but I do not have nearly enough hidden in my heart.
But I go back to one that I made my life verse as a teenager and now it appears as it really hits on my weaknesses.
So before Bible study, without doing the homework. I felt sooo guilty but I just could not get it done with our anniversary trip and school work. I went anyway. I am doing the Breaking Free study with some awesome gals who have been sharing some of their history, their stories and prayer requests. Can I tell you how much I want to be like those people? Now I have to tell you, and I know she is going to read this but my amazingly, awesome, wonderful, encouraging Bible study leader called me out on Wed and told people to come over and read my blog and then I said something I shouldn't have. It was meant to be funny but I said it out of fear and surprise and had to go and apologize to her. Because of guilt. Strike one.
I have spent hours upon hours thinking of my issues and how many I have brought on myself. It stinks that these issues stay in my brain for so long.
There are many encouraging verses out there that have been popping in my head lately. I am working on gettings one more in my head because it really does help when I can just quote them. Sounds silly since I have been a Christian for so long but I do not have nearly enough hidden in my heart.
But I go back to one that I made my life verse as a teenager and now it appears as it really hits on my weaknesses.
2 Timothy 1:7
New International Version (NIV)
7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Now when you read this in various verses, it talks about being strong and not afraid of things which is clearly something I need to work on. Then there is part 2 which talks about self-discipline, which is something I struggle with. Not just with the obvious weight but self disipline in regards to material items, cleaning my house and getting organized and just living the life I was called to be.
I know I can be better better, do better. I was created for soo much more!
Thanks for reading friends!
Now when you read this in various verses, it talks about being strong and not afraid of things which is clearly something I need to work on. Then there is part 2 which talks about self-discipline, which is something I struggle with. Not just with the obvious weight but self disipline in regards to material items, cleaning my house and getting organized and just living the life I was called to be.
I know I can be better better, do better. I was created for soo much more!
Thanks for reading friends!
Monday, October 8, 2012
The one where Amy tells all
I have got issues. Yes, I am aware that everyone has issues but for me, all of mine are on my sleeve. I hate that. I know that I have some really odd personality quirks. But what you do not know is that I am aware of them, and there is probably a reason for them.
Weight- yep, have an issue with that. Didn't notice? You LIE! HA! I remember someone telling me when I was little and skinny that some people make fun of themselves before others get the chance. I think this is where my sarcasm starting coming into play. Yes, I hate being fat. Yes, I want to change but just can't get past the first 20 pounds. I so very wish I had a life coach for this area of my life because I am truly letting so many down with not living a healthier lifestyle.
Self- I do not know even to know where to start with this. One of my biggest issues is envy or jealousy. Not of material things, but of lifestyle changes. I think this has made me want more. There are so many friends who live as they are called to. I know they are not perfect, but dang they obey publicly and I love love love it. I want to be like all of these friends. They are the kind of friends you just want to get to know better but you just dont know how. You just dont feel comfortable because although you know they are not better than you, you still feel that and do not want to screw something up in front of them, I really really wish I were not like that, because I feel like I am missing some good relationships simply based on fear. I have a fear of sharing too much information because I fear if they know they real me, they will throw that relationship away. Yet, I want to share and I want people to get to me because I have not let that happen that often. If you are still reading this, you get points.HAHA!
So there are times, when I am blunt or sarcastic and seem to be being ugly. Lets be honest, there are a few time when that perception is correct. I can have a temper but I am usually hiding behind something thats going in. So please do not think I am being ugly.I just have issues. I am 37 years old and feel like I am in high school sometimes, still trying to impress people. Trying to impress coworkers, friends and people in church. I am working this and finding out who I really am. I mean, I know who I am but Iam trying to show the rest of the world who I am. But that leads me to the next section.
I do not want to care about what the rest of the world thinks. I know you have heard this before. But I feel like I am on a diving board,getting ready to jump. Ready to jump into a new way of living.Afraid of jumping in but afraid to stay where I am especially when I know the jump will lead me to great things. Ready to live every moment glorifying God and doing what I need to do for Him. I want my words and actions to say Jesus to everyone around me. I want to wake up every morning wondering how I can make a difference or how I can impact someone else's life. I do not want it to be about me. I want a new mindset. I want to be able hear His words when I have a decision. I am not trying to be some super Christian, I just want to closer to my God who has already given me a miracle and blessed me beyond measure. Some of you do not understand this but I hope someday you will.
Alright, so this has got to be the most confusing post you have read.I am Amy, the one who is always happy and cheerful. Usually,that is correct. But I am so sick of trying to please everyone, trying to fit in and never feeling like I do. Sick of feeling left out, even though I know I know thats not the case. But I want to change how I percieve things. One of the things God has been whispering over and over is GO! I am still trying to process this as I process all of the other changes God is asking of me right now. To be completely honest and this may be the first time I have admitted this, my weight is holding me back from going to the places He has called me to go. I hate that. I hate that my weaknesses have caused me to fear and not step forward.
So if you are chatting with my on FB or see me at work or church, call me out on anything. I need it. I need accountability. I am very thankful for my sweet husband who has learned to be kind when holding me accountable.
I am not sure how long this post will stay up but feel to comment. This is not to be a poor Amy post, but a post as I begin a new way of thinking. I will be a long process and a slow process and I have no idea how to get to each step but man, thankful I had the guts to put this out here..
Thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!
Amy
Weight- yep, have an issue with that. Didn't notice? You LIE! HA! I remember someone telling me when I was little and skinny that some people make fun of themselves before others get the chance. I think this is where my sarcasm starting coming into play. Yes, I hate being fat. Yes, I want to change but just can't get past the first 20 pounds. I so very wish I had a life coach for this area of my life because I am truly letting so many down with not living a healthier lifestyle.
Self- I do not know even to know where to start with this. One of my biggest issues is envy or jealousy. Not of material things, but of lifestyle changes. I think this has made me want more. There are so many friends who live as they are called to. I know they are not perfect, but dang they obey publicly and I love love love it. I want to be like all of these friends. They are the kind of friends you just want to get to know better but you just dont know how. You just dont feel comfortable because although you know they are not better than you, you still feel that and do not want to screw something up in front of them, I really really wish I were not like that, because I feel like I am missing some good relationships simply based on fear. I have a fear of sharing too much information because I fear if they know they real me, they will throw that relationship away. Yet, I want to share and I want people to get to me because I have not let that happen that often. If you are still reading this, you get points.HAHA!
So there are times, when I am blunt or sarcastic and seem to be being ugly. Lets be honest, there are a few time when that perception is correct. I can have a temper but I am usually hiding behind something thats going in. So please do not think I am being ugly.I just have issues. I am 37 years old and feel like I am in high school sometimes, still trying to impress people. Trying to impress coworkers, friends and people in church. I am working this and finding out who I really am. I mean, I know who I am but Iam trying to show the rest of the world who I am. But that leads me to the next section.
I do not want to care about what the rest of the world thinks. I know you have heard this before. But I feel like I am on a diving board,getting ready to jump. Ready to jump into a new way of living.Afraid of jumping in but afraid to stay where I am especially when I know the jump will lead me to great things. Ready to live every moment glorifying God and doing what I need to do for Him. I want my words and actions to say Jesus to everyone around me. I want to wake up every morning wondering how I can make a difference or how I can impact someone else's life. I do not want it to be about me. I want a new mindset. I want to be able hear His words when I have a decision. I am not trying to be some super Christian, I just want to closer to my God who has already given me a miracle and blessed me beyond measure. Some of you do not understand this but I hope someday you will.
Alright, so this has got to be the most confusing post you have read.I am Amy, the one who is always happy and cheerful. Usually,that is correct. But I am so sick of trying to please everyone, trying to fit in and never feeling like I do. Sick of feeling left out, even though I know I know thats not the case. But I want to change how I percieve things. One of the things God has been whispering over and over is GO! I am still trying to process this as I process all of the other changes God is asking of me right now. To be completely honest and this may be the first time I have admitted this, my weight is holding me back from going to the places He has called me to go. I hate that. I hate that my weaknesses have caused me to fear and not step forward.
So if you are chatting with my on FB or see me at work or church, call me out on anything. I need it. I need accountability. I am very thankful for my sweet husband who has learned to be kind when holding me accountable.
I am not sure how long this post will stay up but feel to comment. This is not to be a poor Amy post, but a post as I begin a new way of thinking. I will be a long process and a slow process and I have no idea how to get to each step but man, thankful I had the guts to put this out here..
Thankful that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!
Amy
Thursday, June 14, 2012
God's whispers
So, I have been having some serious prayer time these days. Asking God to open my eyes and ears to hear and see things in a different light. He has been doing that a little bit at a time through friends, my daughter and other experiences. I am so wanting some big change that I had been focusing on THE CHANGE, and that was not good.
I have heard God sweetly tell me to slow down, enjoy life and be willing to obey. I once read that the more you obey, the easier it will be to hear HIS voice. I am working on it. But as usual, its hard to obey the things that are uncomfortable for me. That has always been the case.
I am not one that can use big Christian words like many, I am not the best at praying out loud and I am struggling with living a life that shows my love for Him when I am out in public. But I am working on it, I really am.
A few months ago, at church, I heard a whisper from God as our church talked about missions (specifically Africa) I am not sure what it was about, but I heard Him say, Why not you? I am big on making excuses, and I quickly replied...because. That's all I had. Ugh. I have been waiting for doors to be open to be encouraged,, blah blah blah. That's another excuse because if I truly were chasing after Him, I would running towards the opportunities, there are several around me.
So, I am leaving the church this morning from dropping LynnMarie off at VBS and I see a lady that I was in Bible Study with last team. We chatted, looking forward to our Bible study in the fall and she tells me she just got back from Haiti. Without a beat, she asked me when I am going to Africa? Ok, I didn't mention this in Bible Study, nor her as I do not know her very well. I gave her a list of my excuses, including not leaving my girl for 2 weeks and she tells me that she left her 4 little ones and that she would be praying for me. I walked away thinking I should not have told her that ( I'm being honest here). I got in my car. Thought about it. Thought about my excuse and heard "Amy, you can't leave your family and comfort for 2 weeks? I gave my son for you, and you can't serve me alone for 2 weeks? I promise you, your life will be changed. OBEY ME! Seriously, these moments have been coming a bit more frequently and I drove away teary eyed.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Copied this from my friend Rebecca and I know she won't mind. There will not be a certain number on my list nor will all of it make sense to you guys but its time to remember to be thankful to the One who has given me far more than I could ever deserve!
1) My family
2) Quick trips to Florida to get hubby a car
3) A sister who helped get the above
4) a job that has opened so many doors for the past 10 years
5) the ability to talk to the One who created me
6) Chinese mermaid princesses
7) Tinkerbell fairy rescues
8) my bed
9) my roof
10) socks and shoes
11)Swallowzz Nest (my sweet girl's very first home)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Summer has started. I have no plans. Well, entertaining sweet girl, getting lots of studying done (4 classes left) and losing weight are my plans. LynnMarie has plans. So far, 3 VBS's and one Bible camp and if we can swing a Princess music camp will keep her busy. I am hoping to get home to Fl for at least a week but that is not in place yet.
Just read this, what a boring post!! Sorry!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
I am feeling like Forrest Gump these days. You know when he says "I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is". He knew how to love, to show love. He was a simple guy, not requiring a lot of attention. I need something to snap me into the loving everyone thing. I just desire to live a life of love. I want to stop getting frustrated, impatient and judgemental and see everyone as equal. I want to be able to offer hope to my neighbor. I can state that I doubt most people see God through me when I am getting in one of my moods. My desire is to make conscious decisions with my attitude. I swear the other night I kept hearing a voice tell me "Choose to love" while I was about to get impatient. I love when I hear that. It was a great reminder.
I am rereading the book of James and maybe I will start blogging about that because that book is full of powerful words for my soul!!
I am rereading the book of James and maybe I will start blogging about that because that book is full of powerful words for my soul!!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ugh! I really wanted to spend more time here but life has been as it usually is, just busy. It has been a really interesting few months. No major drama, just a lot of self awareness going on. Seeing things with new eyes, most of it involving a precious 4 year old that is AMAZING. I can almost understand why God says in order to get into the kingdom, you must be child like. I do not fully get it, but I can kind of understand. On that note, LynnMarie has a Bible story or 2 or 3 every night. I am loving it and getting ready to go through her Adventure Bible again. I am loving this time. I do not remember most of these stories growing up, or at least some of the details! I really think adults should have Sunday school classes like we did as kids, don't ya think?
Back on the weight loss wagon. AGAIN! I have lost about 20 pounds this month doing the Weight Watcher thing. Apparently just going to meetings does not make you lose weight, you have to do the program as well. So far so good, and I have been back to the gym ONCE but plan on going tomorrow. I will let you know if that happens!!
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